Is There An Anonymous Group For People Who Stare at Their Pic Too Much?

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Let’s just jump right into it, shall we? Ever since I took this pic a few days ago I can’t stop starting at it!  This pic is unique for two reasons.  In the history of cameras (I’m thinking they came after Christopher Columbus, but I can’t confirm that)  there has never been a pic of me with a dog!  You read my previous post about dogs (if you haven’t, you know what you’re gonna do after reading this one, RIGHT?!), so you know I’m not exactly rushing out to take pics with these four-legged creatures.

LOOK AT ME HERE! Not only is a bulldog sitting next to me, but I’m sitting calmly with my arm draped on him!  I’m I’m I’m I’m actually SMILING while sitting next to a bulldog!

Another reason this pic is unique is ‘cause I color coordinated my shirt to the red in the sofa cushions. I had seen these sofa cushions before I took the pic, and I chose a shirt that would make the red in them stand out!  Oh yeah, I do my research before I pose for a pic!

I just added a third reason this pic is unique.  My hair almost looks like it could be on a shampoo commercial; this is probably the closest it’s gotten to looking like it could be on a Pantene Pro-V commercial!  Well, maybe not!  But it’s too late!  I already wrote that it did, and I’m too lazy to hit the delete button.

I‘ve lost count of how many times I’ve stared at this pic. People keep telling me how much they love it, and the next thing you know I’m  clicking on the photo icon on my phone, and looking at it.  As if to make sure this pic hasn’t flown away from being stared at too much. 

EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS TO BLAME FOR MAKING ME STARE AT MY OWN PIC SO MUCH!  Especially the people who work at Dairy Queen.  Your ice cream makes me smile so much every time I see it, and it gives me good practice to smile nicely for when a photo is taken of me!

This pic shows exactly how I smile when I see a big cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream inching towards my face!  This is the same smile I would use if I was on the cover of a tabloid magazine, if I ran away with someone else’s winning  lottery ticket, and if I escaped quicksand with all of my hair still intact!

SHOULD YOU NOT BE STARING AT YOURSELF SO OFTEN?!?!

I Inherited My Supepower From My Dad

I think I have a somewhat average build…my legs are long but not incredibly long…my toes seem to look the same as other human toes I’ve seen…BUT YET I walk faster than everyone else I know (except for my dad).

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Here’s the scenario…I get out of a restaurant with some friends. We’re having the stereotypical “How was your food? Great. How was your food? Couldn’t be better” conversation, and all of a sudden I find myself wanting to bust a move and speed walk ahead of them.

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BUT I CAN’T because they’re walking at a much slower pace than I would like to, and friends are supposed to walk in sync, right? People will think you were dropped on your head as a baby if you’re always walking a few feet ahead of your friends and you’re trying to have a conversation with them. Since I know that no one can walk as fast as me I sometimes wish for a bolt of lightning to strike people on their asses to get them to walk as fast as me. *Maybe more than sometimes*

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I blame my dad for my Speedy Gonzales legs. Whenever I used to walk with him he would be a few feet ahead of me a minute after I started walking with him. I’d like to think he didn’t care if a spaceship flew right above my head and abducted me when I was walking with him ‘cause he never turned back to see where I was when we would walk together. When we got cell phones he would call my phone and get angry that my legs didn’t have the strength of 10 armies to keep up with him.

Dad: WHERE ARE YOU? Come on! (There’s something about your dad saying “come on” that makes you sweat as if you just sat in the sauna for 10 hours).

Me: I’m in Eastern Standard Time. Are you still even in the same time zone?!

Over the years I picked up the pace with my walking, and sometimes I would jog just to keep up with my dad. I’ll just put it out there that I don’t like to sweat, but sometimes you gotta take one for the team and sweat a little to keep up with your dad, right? My dad somehow got the memo when he was 10 that he should walk as if ravenous monkeys were on his tail!

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I was in the city the other day and I was zooming past everyone! EVERYONE! Even when tried to slow down I was still walking faster than them. There were these two people who were calmly speaking French with each other a couple of feet ahead of me, and when I zoomed past them they shouted something at me. Let’s hope they were saying “Your dad is great for giving you speedy legs!” I don’t know if there is something in the water I drink or if I should enter the track competition in the Olympics or if I got transported to the Twilight Zone in my youth…BUT I WANT MY PRE-SPEEDY LEGS BACK!!!

Any other speedy walkers out there that want to join a speedy walkers anonymous club?

Bitch Terminology

Slapping — the art of hitting someone so hard that they call you a bitch

Bitch slapping — the art of slapping the bitch out of someone

Bitchhhhhh slapfest — the art of 2 bitches trying to slap the bitch out of each other

Bitchhhhhhh — the art of someone who has been called a bitch for no reason slapping the s*** out of non-living objects to show their strength.

KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!

A Drunk Monkey Would Be More Believable

I was looking through my yearbook yesterday, and as I was admiring all of the hairstyles from the 90’s, I slowly realized I was holding a book of LIES in my hand, and quickly threw it to the ground.

The last time I looked at my yearbook was soon after high school ended, and let’s just say some people didn’t stick to their end of the bargain.

Let’s proceed, shall we?

1) The “Remember Me Till The End of Time” Entry

Oh Lourdes, I have NO idea who you are, and yet you told me to never forget you.  Did you make any effort to stay in touch with me after you signed this? A phone call, throwing dirty socks at me on the street to try and get my attention, breaking my door down at 2 am?  Uhhhm..no!

 Frankly Lourdes, it looks like you probably wrote the same thing in everyone else’s yearbook, and for that I give your yearbook entry a rating of: 3 missed homework assignments, 2 failed exams, and 1 book of Shakespeare poems that is missing a cover. You got the worst rating in the HISTORY of ratings!  Don’t try and find me on Facebook!!!!

2) The “K.I.T. ‘Cause I’m So Awesome Even My Sweat is Awesome” Entry

I actually remember this person ‘cause I tried to call her phone number that very summer, AND SHE NEVER CALLED ME BACK!  She not only said K.I.T., but she also said HOPE TO SEE YOU!  In other words, she basically specified that I should walk on burning coals to see her. That’s what I took her yearbook entry to mean.  Oh you didn’t think I would actually call?  I not only called, but I left you a message!  Seconds of my precious life were wasted on trying to reach you!  

Forget what I said about the previous girl getting the worst rating ever!  You better be ready for the rating I’m giving your yearbook entry:  4 missing homework assignments, 3 empty school lunch trays, 2 failed classes, 1 volleyball that hit you in the head in gym class. 

3) The “Friends Forever” Entry

You would think by looking at this entry that I would still have this person in my life, RIGHT?  She even drew a picture of her face in case we lost touch!  I could at least still recognize her in the store if I ever saw her!  AND SHE EVEN WROTE FOREVER TWICE, AND UNDERLINED FOREVER!  She made it pretty clear I wasn’t going anywhere!!  And here’s the kicker!  She added the word “BEST!”  You only put “best” in the yearbook entry if you’re fully convinced that this person will save you if you go tumbling down Mt. Everest!  

But you know what?  I haven’t heard from her in years!  She’s to blame ‘cause I didn’t write “Friend Forever” in her yearbook!  I never said I was gonna go out of my way to find this person in case I ever lost touch with her, and I stuck to that.

Here’s another person who thought we would be besties for life.  She drew a heart and a squiggly heart around that heart!  She basically was saying that nothing could break our bond!  Even if she lost touch with me, the squiggly heart she drew for me would bring me back into her life!  

Where is she now?  I couldn’t tell you because the squiggly heart tried to find me, but it died in a freak snowstorm a few years ago! 

My rating for these friends forever entries:  4 parrots shouting “yeah right” for 5 minutes at these 2 people.

What have we learned?  I will follow exactly what you wrote in my high school yearbook ‘cause your words are like golden tickets in the movie “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!”

Don’t MAKE Me Scare You With My Bunny Tail

It’s safe to say my mom didn’t really get the whole “dressing up in a cool costume for Halloween” thing. If she had her way, I would just have worn a pin on my shirt that said “Halloween” as my costume.  

Neighbor opening the door after I rung the bell:  And what are you supposed to be? 

Me: Can’t you read my pin?  I’m Halloween itself.  My mom thought I was so precious that I should just be the entire holiday.  People will worship the ground I walk on FROM THIS DAY FORWARD!!!  

 

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A Halloween pin would’ve filled my mom’s 3 criteria for a costume:

1) It’s cheap

2) There is no face paint

3) I still look exactly like I do the other 364 days of the year. 


When I was in Kindergarten I was a clown, but I didn’t have a wig, the nose, face paint, a honker, or big shoes.  I just had colorful dots all over me.  For all we know I could’ve been skittles or the result of cans of paint exploding everywhere.  My teacher asked me what I was and I burst into tears because I thought it was so obvious I resembled this:

 

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In second grade I wanted to be dracula…enough with being the sweet kid…this is the year will scare the living daylights out of my whole classroom!  I made it very clear to my mom that she needed to get red face paint for the blood, and I even told some of my friends to watch out for my costume!  She promised me she would, but when she showed up during lunch with my costume ALL SHE HAD WAS A CAPE!

And it wasn’t even a believable cape!  It was so cheap and plastic looking…it looked like I was wearing a garbage bag on my back!  Her excuse was they only had capes left in the store.  I’m not surprised!  It was the ugliest piece of garbage I had ever seen..who would wanna get their kid that?!

The dracula costume is one of the simplest costumes out there…how hard is it to make sure I look somewhat like this:

 

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I was a Native American for 3 years in a row…I had to make my own feather the first year, and the next two years I went feather-less.  No one knew what I was, and I have no idea where my mom even found the costume!  I’m thinking she probably had a dream about it one night, and someone in the dream told her she had to drive across deserts and mountains to find it.  There was no way that costume was found in New Jersey!

After that, I decided I was gonna be something that probably couldn’t be messed up…a witch!  I put together a costume that had a little something  ”extra.”

Here are the ingredients for my witch costume:

1) a long black skirt

2) a black shirt

3) a witch’s hat

4) the black cape from my “Dracula” costume

5) A BUNNY’S TAIL

Yeah, my mom had got me bunny ears and a bunny tail that year, but there was no way I was gonna be something sweet and cute like a bunny!  Who’s scared of a fluffy thing, mom?!  But I didn’t want the bunny tail to go to waste, so I incorporated it into my costume.  I told people I was the Bunny Witch. 

 

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I was a bunny witch for 3 years, and I would’ve been it a 4th year, but the tail got ruined, and I didn’t want to wear the costume without it!  And when people asked me what I was when I went trick-or-treating (do princesses wear a witch’s hat?  Get with the program, people!)  I would always turn around and shake my tail.  A regular witch couldn’t do that!

What is one of your favorite Halloween costumes or what do you wish you had been?

Tis a Shame I Met Ya, Rosetta!

 As I was looking through my spam folder a couple of days ago I came across an email from Rosetta Stone.  If you don’t know Rosetta Stone, let me have it introduce itself to you.

Rosetta Stone: Great human entities of this planet…I want you to learn every language under the sun with my help. You will spend large sums of money in the process because nothing is more valuable than my great help.  Aren’t you feeling great after hearing that?

Me: [And the ‘this sounds worse than nails on chalkboard’ award goes to *GASP*  Rosetta Stone, ladies and gents!]

You know how the people look so happy on the Rosetta Stone commercials?  “My life has never been the same since I got Rosetta Stone. If I was stuck in a 100 foot well Rosetta Stone would jump in and save me.  It told me it would in my dream last night.”

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So a couple of years ago I bought into those happy faces hook, line, and sinker. If people are this happy, why don’t I get in on this Rosetta Stone thing?  I was so excited about finally learning another language fluently that I made a special trip to NYC to get it.  Rosetta Stone was no joke for me….for realz!

So I get to the city, and make my way to Grand Central Station (the place where Rosetta Stone was sold).  My smile looks really creepy by the time I get into the station, ( I can feel the creepiness radiating from my face) but I know that once I have Rosetta Stone it will magically look normal again.  That’s the power Rosetta Stone has over people!

The girl at the Rosetta Stone stall had this expression on her face that made me think I was the first bit of life she had seen in weeks.  Hold on!  People were raving about Rosetta Stone on my TV screen!  Why does your face look like it smelled like a dead rat where you were sitting for days, and it took me to come there to make the smell go away?

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So I tell her I want to learn fluent Hindi.  If you know me, you know I’m half Indian, but you also know my dad probably said this when I was born:

Dad:  One of the greatest things I’ve laid eyes on has entered the world!  I will make sure she doesn’t know my language fluently so that she can’t understand stuff when I talk to my friends!

She tells me that she learned Spanish through Rosetta Stone, and I told her I took Spanish in school. *ENOUGH WITH THE SMALL TALK!  I WANT TO GET ON THE TRAIN QUICKLY SO I COULD GET HOME AND ENTER THE MAGICAL WORLD OF ROSETTA STONE!*

Long story short…she somehow convinces me to get all three Hindi modules!  Beginner, intermediate, and advanced!  Each module is sold separately, and I bought all three without seeing if I liked the program to begin with!

My smile looked normal again after I left the station, and for some reason it didn’t really bother me how much money I had spent.  After all,  I had the elixir of life…the golden ticket…A POT OF GOLD IN MY HANDS!

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I get home, and I’m staring at all these pictures on the screen after I load the program.  The words I already knew I still know, and the new words I see on the screen are probably words I will never use in my lifetime.  I then turn off the program ‘cause the person’s voice annoys me. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I have looked at Rosetta Stone since ‘cause I believe I would have better luck seeing the ghost of George Washington than learning a language with that program.

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Lesson learned: Return policies are no joke…always make sure there is one!