I’d Rather Fight an Army of Drunk My Little Ponies…

…than appear on this new show I was watching a couple of nights ago called “Spell-mageddon.”  EVERYONE PROBABLY SET THEIR WATCHES TO COUNT DOWN TO THE PREMIERE OF THIS SHOW, RIGHT?  RIGHTTTT?  Who doesn’t love watching kids try and spell words that you’ve never even heard of on a Wednesday night at 10 pm?

Before I go any further let me share my history with spelling bees. I don’t remember a lot about my spelling bee career but I do remember I could spell the word “because” in the first grade while this uber smart kid couldn’t. To be honest, I don’t remember if I won that spelling bee, but since no one who was probably in the spelling bee with me in the first grade is reading this, I’ll just say:

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Fast forward to third grade (or maybe it was the second grade…who really cares…it was before the internet and life before the internet shouldn’t have to be remembered exactly as it happened) and I’m in the spelling bee again. All I remember was that I was sitting on a chair in front of an audience of people. I’m not sure I made it that far, but since no one who was in that spelling bee is reading this I’ll just say 

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You’re probably thinking “this girl is unstoppable…you should put her on a spelling bee type of show where she has to spell the word ‘necessity’ while FREEZING WATER IS FALLING ON HER HEAD as she’s trying to spell it!”

Shut up if you thought that!  I may be good but I never said I was a superhero!

Ladies and gents…welcome to the world of Spell-mageddon!  Where spelling words like “necessity” may seem like a piece of cake normally, but just try and spell it with all sorts of wet and messy sh*t falling on you or the ground shocking your feet.

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You know you’re in for some serious sh*t when you have to wear goggles while spelling a word.  Those Hershey kisses looking things above their heads don’t drop Hershey Kisses into their mouths if they spell a word right…they drop FREEZING A** LIQUID!  You see that third kid from the left? You can tell it’s his turn ‘cause he looks like he just got some glacier temperature water dropped on him.

This kid below especially looked like he wasn’t having a field day up there. The liquid falling on him must be the most unpleasant thing he’s experienced in his life for him to make this expression. He’s holding up his hands as if to stay “STOP!!!  PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!! ALL MY FRIENDS ARE WATCHING! EVEN THE LOSER WHO ALWAYS TOOK MY LUNCH MONEY!”  And his face looks like he’s sorry he even auditioned for this show!  We’re not gonna even go into what the blue substance is.  For all we know, the show wants to secretly turn people into Smurfs.

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Let’s move on to the host of the show. It’s none other than Carlton from “Fresh Prince of Bel-air.”  There are some celebrities that make you ask “I wonder what happened to him/her?” Alfonso Ribeiro was one of those guys for me. Who knew he would wind up on a show where kids literally looked like they were in a lot of pain and agony while trying to get through the one hour that this show lasted? He looks so happy in this pic ‘cause he doesn’t have to go through what the kid above went through.

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On this show you’re dealing with sh*t AS you’re trying to spell words!  Whether you know how to spell the word or don’t, you still will be an unhappy camper throughout the duration of the show. I think this show will lose steam pretty quickly ‘cause I can only watch so many spelling bees. The level of difficulty of the words they have to spell isn’t high and I don’t care to see young people go through that much agony week after week.

What the HELL Did I just Sit Through?

If you don’t know already, one of my dreams is to do stand-up.  I won’t get into how many people have said “YOU BETTER DO IT OR ELSEEEEEEEE” to me (I wrote it letter for letter), but if they think they’re coming to see my first show after telling me that, they would be wrong.  I told them I would invite them, but the last thing I need is to hear a bunch of people shouting “You better do the joke about….” throughout my show. YOU PEOPLE BETTER ENJOY SITTING AT HOME ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE GONNA BE WHEN I’M ON STAGE!

I was at a free “stand-up comedy” show a couple of days ago, and the reason I put it in quotes was ‘cause people were standing up there but I didn’t hear a lot of comedy. With some people, I literally couldn’t hear a lot ‘cause the microphone wasn’t working the whole night, and some people thought they were just supposed to be talking loud enough for only themselves to hear.  With others…I was tempted to go up there and snatch the mike from them. I was sitting close to the front, and I didn’t even have enough energy to muster a fake laugh with them.

DID THEY ONLY PRACTICE THEIR STAND-UP ROUTINE IN FRONT OF THEIR BARBIE DOLLS?  There were only guys up there, but they were so not funny they must’ve gone to the store to get Barbie Dolls just to practice their act in front of.  Surely, no human heard their act before I did.  

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Out of the few comedians that performed, two were genuinely funny.  Two out of like six.  I get that it’s free, but I didn’t drive to a town that I don’t feel safe in at that hour of the night to have less emotion on my face than a pile of stones.  I came to laugh!  If you’re familiar with New Jersey, you probably have some ideas in your head of what town I could be talking about. If your first guess was Newark, you would be wrong.

I came to eat dinner there, but I was pissed at how pissed the waiter was at my inability to choose what I wanted from the menu in less than .05 seconds.  He kept coming over to me, and after 5 times of my saying “give me another couple of minutes” he snatched the menu away from me and never returned.  You, Mr. Waiter, will definitely be in my stand-up act, and I’m GONNA INVITE YOU TO IT AND MAKE SURE YOU GET A FRONT ROW SEAT!

Let’s get to the star of the show.  It’s a general rule in stand-up comedy that the last guy to perform is usually the best of the lot.  Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered from watching a lot of comedy in my lifetime.  But, ladies and gents, this show broke all the rules.  The last guy who performed could barely be heard, and when I did hear him all I heard was how we’re all made of stardust and 10 to the power of 10 is awesome.  And then he said something which killed the mood even more:

“I know what I’m saying isn’t funny.”

Dude, where did you think you were invited to?  Did you not hear the word “comedy” in a conversation you had with someone about where you would be performing?  Stardust is great and s*** (I’m assuming it is), but everyone in the comedy world knows you never ever ever talk about it on a night of comedy. 

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I think this guy was giving us a speech he had written in high school or something.  The teacher probably gave him an “F,” on it, so he wanted our opinion on it to see if he deserved the “F.”  He was all serious and s*** up there as he was talking about some glorious stardust.  The owner of the club was pissed at the guy, and I was pissed at the owner for inviting this guy.  I was also still pissed at the waiter for taking my menu, and what the hell, I was pissed at the doors to the restaurant for not stopping me from coming in to this Mc Donald’s Happy Meal show.

After the show, two guys came up to me and asked me for a quarter for beer.  I knew someone might stop me for money, so I put a dollar in my pocket as I was leaving the comedy show.  For some reason, I must’ve looked really petrified to one of the guys ’cause he said “calm down” a couple of times.  I threw the dollar in the air at them, and then ran in the other direction.  I just bought new shoes the day before, and I’ll be damned if one of them decided to step on them!

Is There An Anonymous Group For People Who Stare at Their Pic Too Much?

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Let’s just jump right into it, shall we? Ever since I took this pic a few days ago I can’t stop starting at it!  This pic is unique for two reasons.  In the history of cameras (I’m thinking they came after Christopher Columbus, but I can’t confirm that)  there has never been a pic of me with a dog!  You read my previous post about dogs (if you haven’t, you know what you’re gonna do after reading this one, RIGHT?!), so you know I’m not exactly rushing out to take pics with these four-legged creatures.

LOOK AT ME HERE! Not only is a bulldog sitting next to me, but I’m sitting calmly with my arm draped on him!  I’m I’m I’m I’m actually SMILING while sitting next to a bulldog!

Another reason this pic is unique is ‘cause I color coordinated my shirt to the red in the sofa cushions. I had seen these sofa cushions before I took the pic, and I chose a shirt that would make the red in them stand out!  Oh yeah, I do my research before I pose for a pic!

I just added a third reason this pic is unique.  My hair almost looks like it could be on a shampoo commercial; this is probably the closest it’s gotten to looking like it could be on a Pantene Pro-V commercial!  Well, maybe not!  But it’s too late!  I already wrote that it did, and I’m too lazy to hit the delete button.

I‘ve lost count of how many times I’ve stared at this pic. People keep telling me how much they love it, and the next thing you know I’m  clicking on the photo icon on my phone, and looking at it.  As if to make sure this pic hasn’t flown away from being stared at too much. 

EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS TO BLAME FOR MAKING ME STARE AT MY OWN PIC SO MUCH!  Especially the people who work at Dairy Queen.  Your ice cream makes me smile so much every time I see it, and it gives me good practice to smile nicely for when a photo is taken of me!

This pic shows exactly how I smile when I see a big cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream inching towards my face!  This is the same smile I would use if I was on the cover of a tabloid magazine, if I ran away with someone else’s winning  lottery ticket, and if I escaped quicksand with all of my hair still intact!

SHOULD YOU NOT BE STARING AT YOURSELF SO OFTEN?!?!

Some People Win the Lottery…I Win the Peanut Jackpot

When I used to go on planes I clearly remember having a tray of food when it was lunch or dinnertime.  You know nothing else mattered on the flight except for the food cart that would come rolling down the aisle.  ”Oh my God!  I finally get to pull down the tray in the front of my seatttttttttt!  She’s 10 rows ahead….now 5…oh my God…I’m the next row!!!  AHHHHH!!!”  The tray in the seat in front of you was so cheap looking and a 5 year old could probably easily karate chop it in half, but damnit, it was the thing that YOUR FOOD WAS GOING TO BE SITTING ON!

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And you always had a couple of options when it came to food…pasta or some other food choice that you weren’t even paying attention to when the flight attendant came to your row.   For all you know she asked “You want pasta or wielifrjkalaigjui?”  You’re so focused on the pasta that she could’ve squirted lemon juice in your eyes for ignoring her other food choice and you WOULDN’T CARE!  

When the food tray finally landed before your very eyes you were so fascinated by the tiny world of food your eyes were feasting on…a roll…some main dish…a salad…and some type of dessert.  I never questioned why I was never filled up after I ate everything or why the roll was never wrapped in saran wrap.  I never even questioned why the food looked like it was heated at an uncomfortably high temperature.

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Speaking of the roll, what’s up with the small pat of butter they give you with it?  It usually only covers like half the roll!   If I’m gonna be in the air for that many hours the least you can do is give me a big tub of butter to dunk my roll…and face in!

Forget everything I just said because those glory days are long gone.  I was on a flight this past weekend, and my options for a meal that was supposed to be served at lunchtime were “peanuts, pretzels, or COOKIES!”   Because it takes too long to slab some peanut butter and jelly on bread and throw it at our faces.  You don’t even have to give me a tray for peanut butter and jelly.  Just yell “I’m throwing it at you!” and I will catch the sandwich in my mouth perfectly. 

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I went with peanuts ‘cause the pretzels on planes always taste like sawdust, and I eat cookies like a savage beast, so I didn’t want my fellow seatmates to secretly take a picture of me and put it on Facebook with the headline “Who let THAT out of the zoo?”  So, peanuts it was. They gave me 2 bags of peanuts as if they were doing me a favor by not giving me one.  ”We happen to like all of you on this plane so we’re gonna give you an extra bag of peanuts.”   Oh yeah?  Why don’t you take your peanuts…crush them with your pristine hands…find some bread…and make me a peanut butter sandwich!  That’s the favor I’m looking for!

People around me seemed ok with 2 bags of peanuts, but I asked the flight attendant for 2 more bags right after I finished my 2 bags because I  was RAVENOUS!  She was shocked I asked for more peanuts because:

a) there must be some rule that says passengers should be ok with going hungry

b) what happens if she does the walk of shame down the aisle to get more peanuts, and THEY’RE ALL GONE?  Now she has 90 minutes left in the journey, and I’m gonna stare her down every time she walks by me for not getting me more peanuts!  She can’t walk anywhere but down my aisle, and now I’m gonna make sure I always have my eye on her to give her the “NO PEANUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” stare!

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Remember how there was the Care Bears Stare?  She’s gonna wish the Care Bears were on the flight to combat my ”NO PEANUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” stare with their Care Bears stare.

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Why don’t airlines go through some food catalog and revamp their snack choices?  I would rather have one bite of cheesecake than a bag of peanuts

“I Keel Dead People” — what a hilarious ride in the movie theater!

Do you ever rave so much about a movie that people want to throw you into the Niagara Falls just to stop you from talking about it?  That’s my current situation. I’ve probably driven nearly everyone I know insane with my talk of a movie I saw yesterday, and I gladly accept blame for that!
 
I went to see a Bollywood movie yesterday, and I always feel a little awkward when I see a Bollywood movie in the theater ‘cause I don’t look Indian, and 99.99% of the people in the theater are Indian.The good thing was I was the only one in the theater, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone staring at me.  Read one of my earlier blogs where I go into my identity so you will understand why I make mention of the fact that I don’t look Indian. 

Bollywood movies are usually a hit or miss for me.  I will not just laugh at something because other people find it funny, and some of the humor in Bollywood movies doesn’t get me to even crack a smile.  BUT the movie I saw yesterday, Go Goa Gone, made my stomach hurt from laughing so much.  I had been waiting for this movie for a while and it didn’t disappoint even a little bit. 

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So what is Go Goa Gone about?  It’s a zombie comedy.  The first of its kind in Indian cinema, in fact.  If you like zombies you will like this movie…if you like humor you will like this movie…if you like good acting you will like this movie.  This movie is not one to watch with your parents, and don’t go with people who don’t have a wicked sense of humor.

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I loved the friendship between the three guys in the movie — Hardik, Luv, and Bunny.  Kunal Khemu (Hardik) was perfection in this movie.   He made me really believe he was that character in real life, and I was so engrossed in his antics every time he was on screen. The one liners in this movie were great, and “I Keel dead people” is just one of them.  The actor who utters that line, Saif Ali Khan, is putting on a Russian accent in this movie.

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This movie was so hip and fresh, and wasn’t afraid to go all out to entertain people. I don’t want to give any specific details away but if you watch this movie you will learn how to stop zombies in their tracks if they ever come after you. You will also learn why having a tattoo on your back can get you in trouble at work, among other things.

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I give this movie 5 happy zombies (5 stars).

My Mission To Get To The Happiest Place on Earth

The only two things I know about the Super Bowl are there are two teams and people have said something about going to Disney World after they won it.Who cares if these beefy guys make lots of money and can go to Disney World anytime they want? Disney is the happiest place on Earth, and people should proudly announce to millions of people that they are going there after laying the smack down on another football team’s ass!

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When I make millions one day I’m gonna hold press conferences every month just to announce I’m going to Disney world.

Interviewer: Mel, we just love the new fragrance line you’ve come out with. It smells like a skunk fell into a big pot of strawberries. Normally I can’t stand the smell of skunk in my perfume, but with your fragrance it works.

Me: SHUT UP! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!!! I only came here to announce I’m going to Disney World!!

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Parents are supposed to have “must take millions of pics of my child standing next to Mickey Mouse” on their list of ‘things to do in this lifetime,’ right?

HOW COME MY PARENTS DIDN’T GET THAT MEMO?

Oh don’t get me wrong. I’ve been so close to going inside both Disney World and Disneyland. How close, you ask? I could see the rides from where I was standing in both cases.

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I was in Florida years ago, and I was so excited that I might actually get to go to Disney World since I was uhhmmm I don’t know…IN THE SAME STATE!!! Why bring a child that far, and not want to partake in the Disney atmosphere? We actually did wind up driving to Disney, and on the way I was making a list of what ride I wanted to go on first. Who cares if my dad said “We’re not going inside” before we got there? Surely, he would change his mind once we arrived and saw people who’s happiness was contagious.

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As soon as we arrived my parents said “Look at it from here and take some pictures.” You mean the poor man’s view of Disney World, my lovely parents who must be kidding? How can I tell my classmates “We went to Disney World but we didn’t actually go inside?” I have a cool reputation to uphold!

If that’s not enough, I’ve also been to California. You know what’s in California? I’ll give you one guess! And another guess for how the situation went down there. The only difference was I’m actually in a couple of pics with the Disneyland sign. When I was in Florida I wasn’t in any of the pics. My mom took pics like crazy at Disneyland as if the more pics we took the more we could prove we had gone inside. There’s a pic of me with some ride in the background, and if you look without your glasses on or your contacts in it might look like I was waiting in line to go on the ride.

Maybe you’re thinking “It seems like your parents aren’t into all the rides and stuff.” They’ve been to Disney before I was born, and they went on all the rides and stuff! I’m gonna go as far as to say they probably said “We’ll be back once we have the most precious person this planet has ever seen” (AKA our daughter). My grandma from India got to even go on this ride when she was with them:

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Since I haven’t been to any of the Disney Kingdoms I took it upon myself to take a pic with Mickey and Minnie Mouse in some shape or form. Sure, Mickey looks like the bootleg version of the real Mickey but I’m smiling as if I’m at the happiest place on Earth. Minnie is probably thinking “I can smell that you’ve never been to the real Disney World, which is why I’m not gonna face the camera.”

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I Inherited My Supepower From My Dad

I think I have a somewhat average build…my legs are long but not incredibly long…my toes seem to look the same as other human toes I’ve seen…BUT YET I walk faster than everyone else I know (except for my dad).

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Here’s the scenario…I get out of a restaurant with some friends. We’re having the stereotypical “How was your food? Great. How was your food? Couldn’t be better” conversation, and all of a sudden I find myself wanting to bust a move and speed walk ahead of them.

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BUT I CAN’T because they’re walking at a much slower pace than I would like to, and friends are supposed to walk in sync, right? People will think you were dropped on your head as a baby if you’re always walking a few feet ahead of your friends and you’re trying to have a conversation with them. Since I know that no one can walk as fast as me I sometimes wish for a bolt of lightning to strike people on their asses to get them to walk as fast as me. *Maybe more than sometimes*

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I blame my dad for my Speedy Gonzales legs. Whenever I used to walk with him he would be a few feet ahead of me a minute after I started walking with him. I’d like to think he didn’t care if a spaceship flew right above my head and abducted me when I was walking with him ‘cause he never turned back to see where I was when we would walk together. When we got cell phones he would call my phone and get angry that my legs didn’t have the strength of 10 armies to keep up with him.

Dad: WHERE ARE YOU? Come on! (There’s something about your dad saying “come on” that makes you sweat as if you just sat in the sauna for 10 hours).

Me: I’m in Eastern Standard Time. Are you still even in the same time zone?!

Over the years I picked up the pace with my walking, and sometimes I would jog just to keep up with my dad. I’ll just put it out there that I don’t like to sweat, but sometimes you gotta take one for the team and sweat a little to keep up with your dad, right? My dad somehow got the memo when he was 10 that he should walk as if ravenous monkeys were on his tail!

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I was in the city the other day and I was zooming past everyone! EVERYONE! Even when tried to slow down I was still walking faster than them. There were these two people who were calmly speaking French with each other a couple of feet ahead of me, and when I zoomed past them they shouted something at me. Let’s hope they were saying “Your dad is great for giving you speedy legs!” I don’t know if there is something in the water I drink or if I should enter the track competition in the Olympics or if I got transported to the Twilight Zone in my youth…BUT I WANT MY PRE-SPEEDY LEGS BACK!!!

Any other speedy walkers out there that want to join a speedy walkers anonymous club?

My Heart Goes Out To Boston

My heart sank after I heard about what happened in Boston today.  I have no idea how people can even think to harm innocent beings.  NO IDEA!  How sick can people be?  We’re all trying to live on this planet to the best of our ability, so what right does someone have to cut our life short?  What right does some stranger, as in the case today, have to take away someone’s mother or someone’s dear friend, etc..?

I don’t remember growing up in this type of environment when I was little.  As an 80’s child, I can clearly remember when the Challenger Explosion happened.  That might have been one of the saddest things I heard on the news at that time.  I never even thought something like the Colorado shooting in the movie theater could happen.  Explosions at a marathon?  Not even something I could’ve even come close to imagining!

But now I find myself saying “NOT AGAIN” when I hear about innocent lives being lost like with what happened today.  These people woke up this morning, and had no idea what was about to happen later today.  They had no idea that at least two people would die, and many other people would get injured AT A MARATHON!  

As I’m writing this I’m listening to John Lennon’s “Imagine.”  It’s one of my favorite songs, and I always sing along to “Imagine all the people living life in peace.”  I don’t know if we’ll ever have a world where all the people are living in peace, but I do hope one day going after innocent lives will be a thing of the past. 

My thoughts and prayers are with the people in Boston.

I Can Fill in for Superman Whenever He Needs to Take a Sick Day

Before I say what I have to say, let me first hand everyone some tissues ‘cause I think you are gonna be so amazed by what I lived through that tears will voluntarily start to fall from your eyes.  PLEASE JUST TAKE ONE TISSUE!  I know the colorful dots on the box makes you go tissue crazy, but please refrain from giving into your tissue grabbing urges!.image

I never knew my own strength till I lived through this past Thursday.  I’m sure all of us have seen happy people drinking wine on TV, right?  Either they’re having wine with their dinner or they take a swig from a wine bottle as if they’re drinking something so delicious from that chocolate river in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”  The one that Augustus  ”Greedy” Gloop falls into.  

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Check out this wine scene! 

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Look at how happy Annette Bening is in this scene!  If I was a burglar this is the moment where I’d break into her house!  She’s so overcome with joy to be sitting in the company of wine that she wouldn’t notice if a burglar went through her stuff and ran out of the house with a piece of 24 karat jewelry.

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Courtney is so in love with her wine in this scene that it wouldn’t matter to her if Ross or Chandler never want to do a FRIENDS reunion in this lifetime.  FRIENDS…SHMENDS…I GOT MY WINE!!!  TV has made me believe nothing can ever go wrong if wine is in the picture, and it’s so delicious that you want a Godzilla sized glass of it.  

WHAT A BUNCH OF LIARS!

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I had the opportunity to have some wine a few days ago.  I thought I had wine before but now I’m not so sure (I’m a poet and I didn’t know it)  ’cause I never tasted anything that came even remotely close to what I had last week.  

You will probably need another box of tissues after you finish the other box of tissues:

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I’ve had alcohol before but there was just something about what I had last week that didn’t sit well with me.  I don’t know the name of the wine I had or what year it was or any of that other stuff people who drink wine should know.  All you need to know is that I lived to tell about my experience.

Let me set the scene:  I was at a friend’s house, and she offered me wine.  Before I went to her house I knew there was gonna be wine, and on my drive to her place I kept picturing myself getting drunk and laughing.  As a matter of fact I thought the wine would go down as if it was a mango milkshake.  Sweet…cold…makes you want to have 629820958185982922 more sips of it!

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She offers me the wine, and I remember smiling before I drank it.  THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!  I’m gonna be so happy it hurts!  

Sip one:

Ohhhhh..  Did she mistakenly give me liquid kryptonite?  *The first sip is probably not a good indicator of what it should taste like so I’ll continue*

Sip two:

Oh man.  Am I drinking the bark of a tree?  Where are all the smiles that are supposed to ensue as you’re drinking wine?

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WHERE ARE THEY?!!!!

Of course, I gotta play it cool.  You can’t let the other person know that you’re afraid of a little wine ( a lot of wine in my case…she wasn’t shy in pouring me a big glass of it).  I gather myself together, and wait for her to look away every time I take a sip so that she doesn’t see my reaction.

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I would gladly take Superman’s place whenever he needed to take a sick day if he promised to throw every last remnant of the wine I had into space.   

So back to the wine…I somehow finished it, and she offered me ANOTHER GLASS!  At first I pretended I didn’t hear her, but then a couple of minutes later she asked me again.  

*ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!  I just survived one of the most traumatic experiences of my life*

Uhhm…. s-s-s-ure!

I have no explanation for why I said yes other than I probably lost control of my mouth after the first glass I had.  Maybe the connection from my brain to my mouth was temporarily broken. 

It’s probably no surprise that I felt like I was drinking something that tasted like Godzilla’s farts by the second glass, and I didn’t even try to attempt to finish it. To take the focus off my second wine glass I started talking about her cat since she adores her cat, and that distracted her from looking at my glass too much.  

On the way home I felt really nauseous, and now that I’m well enough to think clearly again I have one thing to say. 

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You see those crumpled tissues up above?  If you disagree with me, guess what I will throw at you?

I Can Probably Eat More Than Michael Phelps

My life has been about halves.  I’ve already mentioned about the two cultures that make up who I am, but another aspect of my life that could be broken down into halves is my weight. 

When I was little I was as chubby as can be.  I know it’s hard for some people reading this to believe that, but yeah, I was the “fat kid,” and people weren’t afraid to point it out to me all the time.  I’ve always thought words are powerful, and especially the words you tell a kid.  

I would hear things like “hey fatso” and “why are you so fat?” on a regular basis. Some of you may not have been teased for your weight as a kid, but let me tell you, it’s not a barrel of laughs to be teased about it. It’s so easy for someone to call you “fat” but what they don’t realize is how low it makes you feel to hear it repeatedly.

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People pointed it out to you as if you were unaware what the shape of your body was.  As if you had no lights in your house, and you couldn’t see what was looking back at you in the mirror.  What right do you have to make me feel bad just ‘cause I don’t weigh the same as you?  I’ve never gone up to someone and mentioned anything about their weight when meeting them.

“Oh my goodness!  You’re sooooo massive!  How can you come out in public?”

You know why?  It’s because I believe it doesn’t matter what shape you are!  The last I checked we weren’t robots who were all made in the same mold.  After being teased for a few years, I had decided I wanted to be a pediatrician partly because I wanted to give kids encouragement when they came to me.  I  wanted to help them not just with their physical ailments, but also be a voice of kindness in their life.  Did I become a pediatrician?  No way!  But my heart still goes out to kids (and people in general) who are going through something in their life.  

Up until my teens I was chubby, but due to a health issue I’ve been lean ever since then.  You may be thinking “you’re lean now, that’s great you lost some weight!”  I would tell you it’ s not that great when people feel the need to ask “you’re skinny, are you eating?” time and time again.

I’ve known people of all shapes and sizes in my life, and not once have I made them feel bad for their weight.  After being teased as a kid, I know how hard it is for some people to go through life with a body they might not be comfortable in.  What right do I have to throw their discomfort in their face?   

Do I get along with you?  Great!  What does it matter what you look like on the outside?  As a kid I thought life might be easier when I lost weight, but you know what?  It’s not all hunky dory being thin in my case.  People still feel the need to interject their opinions about how I should look.  

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And for your information, I have quite the appetite!  I don’t count calories, and I will not hesitate to have six slices of french toast!  I can’t help what my body looks like, but you can help making me not feel bad by zipping your lip. We’re all human, and that means none of us are perfect.  

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes when you meet them.  Would you like it if they made fun of your appearance?  Probably not!  So why do you think you can say harmful words when you meet people?  I would give anything to put on a few pounds, and that is something you probably don’t hear many girls say.  Don’t assume I want to be this size just like I won’t assume something about your appearance. 

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