What the HELL Did I just Sit Through?

If you don’t know already, one of my dreams is to do stand-up.  I won’t get into how many people have said “YOU BETTER DO IT OR ELSEEEEEEEE” to me (I wrote it letter for letter), but if they think they’re coming to see my first show after telling me that, they would be wrong.  I told them I would invite them, but the last thing I need is to hear a bunch of people shouting “You better do the joke about….” throughout my show. YOU PEOPLE BETTER ENJOY SITTING AT HOME ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE GONNA BE WHEN I’M ON STAGE!

I was at a free “stand-up comedy” show a couple of days ago, and the reason I put it in quotes was ‘cause people were standing up there but I didn’t hear a lot of comedy. With some people, I literally couldn’t hear a lot ‘cause the microphone wasn’t working the whole night, and some people thought they were just supposed to be talking loud enough for only themselves to hear.  With others…I was tempted to go up there and snatch the mike from them. I was sitting close to the front, and I didn’t even have enough energy to muster a fake laugh with them.

DID THEY ONLY PRACTICE THEIR STAND-UP ROUTINE IN FRONT OF THEIR BARBIE DOLLS?  There were only guys up there, but they were so not funny they must’ve gone to the store to get Barbie Dolls just to practice their act in front of.  Surely, no human heard their act before I did.  

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Out of the few comedians that performed, two were genuinely funny.  Two out of like six.  I get that it’s free, but I didn’t drive to a town that I don’t feel safe in at that hour of the night to have less emotion on my face than a pile of stones.  I came to laugh!  If you’re familiar with New Jersey, you probably have some ideas in your head of what town I could be talking about. If your first guess was Newark, you would be wrong.

I came to eat dinner there, but I was pissed at how pissed the waiter was at my inability to choose what I wanted from the menu in less than .05 seconds.  He kept coming over to me, and after 5 times of my saying “give me another couple of minutes” he snatched the menu away from me and never returned.  You, Mr. Waiter, will definitely be in my stand-up act, and I’m GONNA INVITE YOU TO IT AND MAKE SURE YOU GET A FRONT ROW SEAT!

Let’s get to the star of the show.  It’s a general rule in stand-up comedy that the last guy to perform is usually the best of the lot.  Or at least that’s what I’ve gathered from watching a lot of comedy in my lifetime.  But, ladies and gents, this show broke all the rules.  The last guy who performed could barely be heard, and when I did hear him all I heard was how we’re all made of stardust and 10 to the power of 10 is awesome.  And then he said something which killed the mood even more:

“I know what I’m saying isn’t funny.”

Dude, where did you think you were invited to?  Did you not hear the word “comedy” in a conversation you had with someone about where you would be performing?  Stardust is great and s*** (I’m assuming it is), but everyone in the comedy world knows you never ever ever talk about it on a night of comedy. 

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I think this guy was giving us a speech he had written in high school or something.  The teacher probably gave him an “F,” on it, so he wanted our opinion on it to see if he deserved the “F.”  He was all serious and s*** up there as he was talking about some glorious stardust.  The owner of the club was pissed at the guy, and I was pissed at the owner for inviting this guy.  I was also still pissed at the waiter for taking my menu, and what the hell, I was pissed at the doors to the restaurant for not stopping me from coming in to this Mc Donald’s Happy Meal show.

After the show, two guys came up to me and asked me for a quarter for beer.  I knew someone might stop me for money, so I put a dollar in my pocket as I was leaving the comedy show.  For some reason, I must’ve looked really petrified to one of the guys ’cause he said “calm down” a couple of times.  I threw the dollar in the air at them, and then ran in the other direction.  I just bought new shoes the day before, and I’ll be damned if one of them decided to step on them!

Is There An Anonymous Group For People Who Stare at Their Pic Too Much?

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Let’s just jump right into it, shall we? Ever since I took this pic a few days ago I can’t stop starting at it!  This pic is unique for two reasons.  In the history of cameras (I’m thinking they came after Christopher Columbus, but I can’t confirm that)  there has never been a pic of me with a dog!  You read my previous post about dogs (if you haven’t, you know what you’re gonna do after reading this one, RIGHT?!), so you know I’m not exactly rushing out to take pics with these four-legged creatures.

LOOK AT ME HERE! Not only is a bulldog sitting next to me, but I’m sitting calmly with my arm draped on him!  I’m I’m I’m I’m actually SMILING while sitting next to a bulldog!

Another reason this pic is unique is ‘cause I color coordinated my shirt to the red in the sofa cushions. I had seen these sofa cushions before I took the pic, and I chose a shirt that would make the red in them stand out!  Oh yeah, I do my research before I pose for a pic!

I just added a third reason this pic is unique.  My hair almost looks like it could be on a shampoo commercial; this is probably the closest it’s gotten to looking like it could be on a Pantene Pro-V commercial!  Well, maybe not!  But it’s too late!  I already wrote that it did, and I’m too lazy to hit the delete button.

I‘ve lost count of how many times I’ve stared at this pic. People keep telling me how much they love it, and the next thing you know I’m  clicking on the photo icon on my phone, and looking at it.  As if to make sure this pic hasn’t flown away from being stared at too much. 

EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS TO BLAME FOR MAKING ME STARE AT MY OWN PIC SO MUCH!  Especially the people who work at Dairy Queen.  Your ice cream makes me smile so much every time I see it, and it gives me good practice to smile nicely for when a photo is taken of me!

This pic shows exactly how I smile when I see a big cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream inching towards my face!  This is the same smile I would use if I was on the cover of a tabloid magazine, if I ran away with someone else’s winning  lottery ticket, and if I escaped quicksand with all of my hair still intact!

SHOULD YOU NOT BE STARING AT YOURSELF SO OFTEN?!?!