Some People Win the Lottery…I Win the Peanut Jackpot

When I used to go on planes I clearly remember having a tray of food when it was lunch or dinnertime.  You know nothing else mattered on the flight except for the food cart that would come rolling down the aisle.  ”Oh my God!  I finally get to pull down the tray in the front of my seatttttttttt!  She’s 10 rows ahead….now 5…oh my God…I’m the next row!!!  AHHHHH!!!”  The tray in the seat in front of you was so cheap looking and a 5 year old could probably easily karate chop it in half, but damnit, it was the thing that YOUR FOOD WAS GOING TO BE SITTING ON!

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And you always had a couple of options when it came to food…pasta or some other food choice that you weren’t even paying attention to when the flight attendant came to your row.   For all you know she asked “You want pasta or wielifrjkalaigjui?”  You’re so focused on the pasta that she could’ve squirted lemon juice in your eyes for ignoring her other food choice and you WOULDN’T CARE!  

When the food tray finally landed before your very eyes you were so fascinated by the tiny world of food your eyes were feasting on…a roll…some main dish…a salad…and some type of dessert.  I never questioned why I was never filled up after I ate everything or why the roll was never wrapped in saran wrap.  I never even questioned why the food looked like it was heated at an uncomfortably high temperature.

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Speaking of the roll, what’s up with the small pat of butter they give you with it?  It usually only covers like half the roll!   If I’m gonna be in the air for that many hours the least you can do is give me a big tub of butter to dunk my roll…and face in!

Forget everything I just said because those glory days are long gone.  I was on a flight this past weekend, and my options for a meal that was supposed to be served at lunchtime were “peanuts, pretzels, or COOKIES!”   Because it takes too long to slab some peanut butter and jelly on bread and throw it at our faces.  You don’t even have to give me a tray for peanut butter and jelly.  Just yell “I’m throwing it at you!” and I will catch the sandwich in my mouth perfectly. 

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I went with peanuts ‘cause the pretzels on planes always taste like sawdust, and I eat cookies like a savage beast, so I didn’t want my fellow seatmates to secretly take a picture of me and put it on Facebook with the headline “Who let THAT out of the zoo?”  So, peanuts it was. They gave me 2 bags of peanuts as if they were doing me a favor by not giving me one.  ”We happen to like all of you on this plane so we’re gonna give you an extra bag of peanuts.”   Oh yeah?  Why don’t you take your peanuts…crush them with your pristine hands…find some bread…and make me a peanut butter sandwich!  That’s the favor I’m looking for!

People around me seemed ok with 2 bags of peanuts, but I asked the flight attendant for 2 more bags right after I finished my 2 bags because I  was RAVENOUS!  She was shocked I asked for more peanuts because:

a) there must be some rule that says passengers should be ok with going hungry

b) what happens if she does the walk of shame down the aisle to get more peanuts, and THEY’RE ALL GONE?  Now she has 90 minutes left in the journey, and I’m gonna stare her down every time she walks by me for not getting me more peanuts!  She can’t walk anywhere but down my aisle, and now I’m gonna make sure I always have my eye on her to give her the “NO PEANUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” stare!

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Remember how there was the Care Bears Stare?  She’s gonna wish the Care Bears were on the flight to combat my ”NO PEANUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” stare with their Care Bears stare.

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Why don’t airlines go through some food catalog and revamp their snack choices?  I would rather have one bite of cheesecake than a bag of peanuts

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2 thoughts on “Some People Win the Lottery…I Win the Peanut Jackpot

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