Some People Win the Lottery…I Win the Peanut Jackpot

When I used to go on planes I clearly remember having a tray of food when it was lunch or dinnertime.  You know nothing else mattered on the flight except for the food cart that would come rolling down the aisle.  ”Oh my God!  I finally get to pull down the tray in the front of my seatttttttttt!  She’s 10 rows ahead….now 5…oh my God…I’m the next row!!!  AHHHHH!!!”  The tray in the seat in front of you was so cheap looking and a 5 year old could probably easily karate chop it in half, but damnit, it was the thing that YOUR FOOD WAS GOING TO BE SITTING ON!

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And you always had a couple of options when it came to food…pasta or some other food choice that you weren’t even paying attention to when the flight attendant came to your row.   For all you know she asked “You want pasta or wielifrjkalaigjui?”  You’re so focused on the pasta that she could’ve squirted lemon juice in your eyes for ignoring her other food choice and you WOULDN’T CARE!  

When the food tray finally landed before your very eyes you were so fascinated by the tiny world of food your eyes were feasting on…a roll…some main dish…a salad…and some type of dessert.  I never questioned why I was never filled up after I ate everything or why the roll was never wrapped in saran wrap.  I never even questioned why the food looked like it was heated at an uncomfortably high temperature.

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Speaking of the roll, what’s up with the small pat of butter they give you with it?  It usually only covers like half the roll!   If I’m gonna be in the air for that many hours the least you can do is give me a big tub of butter to dunk my roll…and face in!

Forget everything I just said because those glory days are long gone.  I was on a flight this past weekend, and my options for a meal that was supposed to be served at lunchtime were “peanuts, pretzels, or COOKIES!”   Because it takes too long to slab some peanut butter and jelly on bread and throw it at our faces.  You don’t even have to give me a tray for peanut butter and jelly.  Just yell “I’m throwing it at you!” and I will catch the sandwich in my mouth perfectly. 

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I went with peanuts ‘cause the pretzels on planes always taste like sawdust, and I eat cookies like a savage beast, so I didn’t want my fellow seatmates to secretly take a picture of me and put it on Facebook with the headline “Who let THAT out of the zoo?”  So, peanuts it was. They gave me 2 bags of peanuts as if they were doing me a favor by not giving me one.  ”We happen to like all of you on this plane so we’re gonna give you an extra bag of peanuts.”   Oh yeah?  Why don’t you take your peanuts…crush them with your pristine hands…find some bread…and make me a peanut butter sandwich!  That’s the favor I’m looking for!

People around me seemed ok with 2 bags of peanuts, but I asked the flight attendant for 2 more bags right after I finished my 2 bags because I  was RAVENOUS!  She was shocked I asked for more peanuts because:

a) there must be some rule that says passengers should be ok with going hungry

b) what happens if she does the walk of shame down the aisle to get more peanuts, and THEY’RE ALL GONE?  Now she has 90 minutes left in the journey, and I’m gonna stare her down every time she walks by me for not getting me more peanuts!  She can’t walk anywhere but down my aisle, and now I’m gonna make sure I always have my eye on her to give her the “NO PEANUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” stare!

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Remember how there was the Care Bears Stare?  She’s gonna wish the Care Bears were on the flight to combat my ”NO PEANUTS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!” stare with their Care Bears stare.

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Why don’t airlines go through some food catalog and revamp their snack choices?  I would rather have one bite of cheesecake than a bag of peanuts

“I Keel Dead People” — what a hilarious ride in the movie theater!

Do you ever rave so much about a movie that people want to throw you into the Niagara Falls just to stop you from talking about it?  That’s my current situation. I’ve probably driven nearly everyone I know insane with my talk of a movie I saw yesterday, and I gladly accept blame for that!
 
I went to see a Bollywood movie yesterday, and I always feel a little awkward when I see a Bollywood movie in the theater ‘cause I don’t look Indian, and 99.99% of the people in the theater are Indian.The good thing was I was the only one in the theater, so I didn’t have to worry about anyone staring at me.  Read one of my earlier blogs where I go into my identity so you will understand why I make mention of the fact that I don’t look Indian. 

Bollywood movies are usually a hit or miss for me.  I will not just laugh at something because other people find it funny, and some of the humor in Bollywood movies doesn’t get me to even crack a smile.  BUT the movie I saw yesterday, Go Goa Gone, made my stomach hurt from laughing so much.  I had been waiting for this movie for a while and it didn’t disappoint even a little bit. 

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So what is Go Goa Gone about?  It’s a zombie comedy.  The first of its kind in Indian cinema, in fact.  If you like zombies you will like this movie…if you like humor you will like this movie…if you like good acting you will like this movie.  This movie is not one to watch with your parents, and don’t go with people who don’t have a wicked sense of humor.

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I loved the friendship between the three guys in the movie — Hardik, Luv, and Bunny.  Kunal Khemu (Hardik) was perfection in this movie.   He made me really believe he was that character in real life, and I was so engrossed in his antics every time he was on screen. The one liners in this movie were great, and “I Keel dead people” is just one of them.  The actor who utters that line, Saif Ali Khan, is putting on a Russian accent in this movie.

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This movie was so hip and fresh, and wasn’t afraid to go all out to entertain people. I don’t want to give any specific details away but if you watch this movie you will learn how to stop zombies in their tracks if they ever come after you. You will also learn why having a tattoo on your back can get you in trouble at work, among other things.

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I give this movie 5 happy zombies (5 stars).

My Mission To Get To The Happiest Place on Earth

The only two things I know about the Super Bowl are there are two teams and people have said something about going to Disney World after they won it.Who cares if these beefy guys make lots of money and can go to Disney World anytime they want? Disney is the happiest place on Earth, and people should proudly announce to millions of people that they are going there after laying the smack down on another football team’s ass!

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When I make millions one day I’m gonna hold press conferences every month just to announce I’m going to Disney world.

Interviewer: Mel, we just love the new fragrance line you’ve come out with. It smells like a skunk fell into a big pot of strawberries. Normally I can’t stand the smell of skunk in my perfume, but with your fragrance it works.

Me: SHUT UP! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!!! I only came here to announce I’m going to Disney World!!

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Parents are supposed to have “must take millions of pics of my child standing next to Mickey Mouse” on their list of ‘things to do in this lifetime,’ right?

HOW COME MY PARENTS DIDN’T GET THAT MEMO?

Oh don’t get me wrong. I’ve been so close to going inside both Disney World and Disneyland. How close, you ask? I could see the rides from where I was standing in both cases.

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I was in Florida years ago, and I was so excited that I might actually get to go to Disney World since I was uhhmmm I don’t know…IN THE SAME STATE!!! Why bring a child that far, and not want to partake in the Disney atmosphere? We actually did wind up driving to Disney, and on the way I was making a list of what ride I wanted to go on first. Who cares if my dad said “We’re not going inside” before we got there? Surely, he would change his mind once we arrived and saw people who’s happiness was contagious.

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As soon as we arrived my parents said “Look at it from here and take some pictures.” You mean the poor man’s view of Disney World, my lovely parents who must be kidding? How can I tell my classmates “We went to Disney World but we didn’t actually go inside?” I have a cool reputation to uphold!

If that’s not enough, I’ve also been to California. You know what’s in California? I’ll give you one guess! And another guess for how the situation went down there. The only difference was I’m actually in a couple of pics with the Disneyland sign. When I was in Florida I wasn’t in any of the pics. My mom took pics like crazy at Disneyland as if the more pics we took the more we could prove we had gone inside. There’s a pic of me with some ride in the background, and if you look without your glasses on or your contacts in it might look like I was waiting in line to go on the ride.

Maybe you’re thinking “It seems like your parents aren’t into all the rides and stuff.” They’ve been to Disney before I was born, and they went on all the rides and stuff! I’m gonna go as far as to say they probably said “We’ll be back once we have the most precious person this planet has ever seen” (AKA our daughter). My grandma from India got to even go on this ride when she was with them:

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Since I haven’t been to any of the Disney Kingdoms I took it upon myself to take a pic with Mickey and Minnie Mouse in some shape or form. Sure, Mickey looks like the bootleg version of the real Mickey but I’m smiling as if I’m at the happiest place on Earth. Minnie is probably thinking “I can smell that you’ve never been to the real Disney World, which is why I’m not gonna face the camera.”

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I Inherited My Supepower From My Dad

I think I have a somewhat average build…my legs are long but not incredibly long…my toes seem to look the same as other human toes I’ve seen…BUT YET I walk faster than everyone else I know (except for my dad).

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Here’s the scenario…I get out of a restaurant with some friends. We’re having the stereotypical “How was your food? Great. How was your food? Couldn’t be better” conversation, and all of a sudden I find myself wanting to bust a move and speed walk ahead of them.

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BUT I CAN’T because they’re walking at a much slower pace than I would like to, and friends are supposed to walk in sync, right? People will think you were dropped on your head as a baby if you’re always walking a few feet ahead of your friends and you’re trying to have a conversation with them. Since I know that no one can walk as fast as me I sometimes wish for a bolt of lightning to strike people on their asses to get them to walk as fast as me. *Maybe more than sometimes*

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I blame my dad for my Speedy Gonzales legs. Whenever I used to walk with him he would be a few feet ahead of me a minute after I started walking with him. I’d like to think he didn’t care if a spaceship flew right above my head and abducted me when I was walking with him ‘cause he never turned back to see where I was when we would walk together. When we got cell phones he would call my phone and get angry that my legs didn’t have the strength of 10 armies to keep up with him.

Dad: WHERE ARE YOU? Come on! (There’s something about your dad saying “come on” that makes you sweat as if you just sat in the sauna for 10 hours).

Me: I’m in Eastern Standard Time. Are you still even in the same time zone?!

Over the years I picked up the pace with my walking, and sometimes I would jog just to keep up with my dad. I’ll just put it out there that I don’t like to sweat, but sometimes you gotta take one for the team and sweat a little to keep up with your dad, right? My dad somehow got the memo when he was 10 that he should walk as if ravenous monkeys were on his tail!

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I was in the city the other day and I was zooming past everyone! EVERYONE! Even when tried to slow down I was still walking faster than them. There were these two people who were calmly speaking French with each other a couple of feet ahead of me, and when I zoomed past them they shouted something at me. Let’s hope they were saying “Your dad is great for giving you speedy legs!” I don’t know if there is something in the water I drink or if I should enter the track competition in the Olympics or if I got transported to the Twilight Zone in my youth…BUT I WANT MY PRE-SPEEDY LEGS BACK!!!

Any other speedy walkers out there that want to join a speedy walkers anonymous club?