I Can Fill in for Superman Whenever He Needs to Take a Sick Day

Before I say what I have to say, let me first hand everyone some tissues ‘cause I think you are gonna be so amazed by what I lived through that tears will voluntarily start to fall from your eyes.  PLEASE JUST TAKE ONE TISSUE!  I know the colorful dots on the box makes you go tissue crazy, but please refrain from giving into your tissue grabbing urges!.image

I never knew my own strength till I lived through this past Thursday.  I’m sure all of us have seen happy people drinking wine on TV, right?  Either they’re having wine with their dinner or they take a swig from a wine bottle as if they’re drinking something so delicious from that chocolate river in “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”  The one that Augustus  ”Greedy” Gloop falls into.  

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Check out this wine scene! 

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Look at how happy Annette Bening is in this scene!  If I was a burglar this is the moment where I’d break into her house!  She’s so overcome with joy to be sitting in the company of wine that she wouldn’t notice if a burglar went through her stuff and ran out of the house with a piece of 24 karat jewelry.

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Courtney is so in love with her wine in this scene that it wouldn’t matter to her if Ross or Chandler never want to do a FRIENDS reunion in this lifetime.  FRIENDS…SHMENDS…I GOT MY WINE!!!  TV has made me believe nothing can ever go wrong if wine is in the picture, and it’s so delicious that you want a Godzilla sized glass of it.  

WHAT A BUNCH OF LIARS!

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I had the opportunity to have some wine a few days ago.  I thought I had wine before but now I’m not so sure (I’m a poet and I didn’t know it)  ’cause I never tasted anything that came even remotely close to what I had last week.  

You will probably need another box of tissues after you finish the other box of tissues:

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I’ve had alcohol before but there was just something about what I had last week that didn’t sit well with me.  I don’t know the name of the wine I had or what year it was or any of that other stuff people who drink wine should know.  All you need to know is that I lived to tell about my experience.

Let me set the scene:  I was at a friend’s house, and she offered me wine.  Before I went to her house I knew there was gonna be wine, and on my drive to her place I kept picturing myself getting drunk and laughing.  As a matter of fact I thought the wine would go down as if it was a mango milkshake.  Sweet…cold…makes you want to have 629820958185982922 more sips of it!

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She offers me the wine, and I remember smiling before I drank it.  THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME!  I’m gonna be so happy it hurts!  

Sip one:

Ohhhhh..  Did she mistakenly give me liquid kryptonite?  *The first sip is probably not a good indicator of what it should taste like so I’ll continue*

Sip two:

Oh man.  Am I drinking the bark of a tree?  Where are all the smiles that are supposed to ensue as you’re drinking wine?

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WHERE ARE THEY?!!!!

Of course, I gotta play it cool.  You can’t let the other person know that you’re afraid of a little wine ( a lot of wine in my case…she wasn’t shy in pouring me a big glass of it).  I gather myself together, and wait for her to look away every time I take a sip so that she doesn’t see my reaction.

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I would gladly take Superman’s place whenever he needed to take a sick day if he promised to throw every last remnant of the wine I had into space.   

So back to the wine…I somehow finished it, and she offered me ANOTHER GLASS!  At first I pretended I didn’t hear her, but then a couple of minutes later she asked me again.  

*ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!  I just survived one of the most traumatic experiences of my life*

Uhhm…. s-s-s-ure!

I have no explanation for why I said yes other than I probably lost control of my mouth after the first glass I had.  Maybe the connection from my brain to my mouth was temporarily broken. 

It’s probably no surprise that I felt like I was drinking something that tasted like Godzilla’s farts by the second glass, and I didn’t even try to attempt to finish it. To take the focus off my second wine glass I started talking about her cat since she adores her cat, and that distracted her from looking at my glass too much.  

On the way home I felt really nauseous, and now that I’m well enough to think clearly again I have one thing to say. 

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You see those crumpled tissues up above?  If you disagree with me, guess what I will throw at you?

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