The Life and Times of a Black and White Cookie

I told you I’m half Indian, but what I didn’t tell you was I’m also half Jewish. I might not be able to pass for an Indian, but no one has ever shrieked in terror when I told them about my Jewish side.  As a matter of fact, I once bought this skincare regime that was made from the Dead Sea, and this lady asked if I was either Jewish or Italian.  She gave me half of the discount she had planned on giving me ‘cause I was half Jewish.  

 

image

 

I’ll give you all the details about how my parents met in one sentence.  They met at a party. That’s not even the summary of the details of how they met…that IS all the details I know about how they met.  I’m writing this blog, so we know there’s a lot more that happened after they met.  

This week was Passover, and even though I might not have celebrated every last Jewish holiday under the sun, I’ve celebrated some of them. Not sure how other people who are half and half have balanced both sides of their identity, but I’ve never been fully involved in all of the holidays and festivities on either side of me. Like a black and white cookie, I’m made up of two halves, and I can’t talk about who I am without describing both halves. As a side note, don’t eat a black and white cookie where the chocolate half is bigger than the vanilla half.

image

 

I went to my aunt’s place for Passover, and I love getting together with family on my mom’s side ‘cause a lot of my relatives are in India so I don’t get to see them that often.  I can’t read Hebrew, and whenever I’m at something where Hebrew is being read a piece of me wishes I had learned how to read it.  They say you can learn a language better when you’re younger, and I’m proof of that.  I’m not fluent in Hindi/Punjabi, and it’s too bad my dad hadn’t made sure I had become fluent in those languages when I was little.

 

image

 

One thing I love about Passover is the food (we’ve already established I LOVE LOVE LOVE to eat in previous blogs).  I ate so much that I was amazed I didn’t need to be carried out on a stretcher to my car. I will not hesitate to slap the eyebrows off your face if you take the last piece of chocolate cake, and if you think you’re getting second helpings of anything with potatoes in it before asking if I want it (which I always will, so there’s no need to even ask), I will try to slap your nose off your face. There was everything from brisket to deeeeeeelicious matzoh ball soup to delectable bites of chocolate at this Passover.

 

image

 

Another thing I love about Passover is getting a chance to share moments with people I’m fortunate enough to have in my life.  All of us lead busy lives, so it’s nice to be able to spend time together when we can.  When I look back on my life, I’ll be able to smile when I think back to all the times I got to spend with people on both sides of my family.  

Flying Over 8,000 Miles to Eat Pizza Hut

I told someone today that I have family in India, and they asked something which I have NEVER heard before in my life.  ”Both sides of the family?”  I know that it’s cloudy outside, and I wasn’t under a bright light when the person asked me the question…BUT even if you were living in the black hole you would know not to ask me that.

I replied “No, just my dad’s side,” and I’m not gonna lie, I felt like I just got slapped in the face by an obese piranha after saying that.  You see, my whole life has been built upon the idea that I’m able to make people shriek in terror just by uttering “I’m half Indian.”  What good is it if you’re calmly asking “Both sides of the family?”   Don’t ask me about my identity if you’re not ok with having an expression on your face that screams “I’m being stapled repeatedly on my nose by a possessed stapler!”

image

My grandma in India would roll on the floor laughing if she found out someone had thought I looked Indian. She used to come to visit me every few years up until the age of 14, and one thing I’ll always remember about her was how much she used to take care of my brother and I.  I know cream cheese is nothing special, but when she used to spread it on a bagel I could’ve sworn colorful lights were emanating from my eyes when I ate it.  She even made rice krispies treats taste like edible gold, and how could I forget when she made lassi (an Indian yogurt drink)?  I felt like I was drinking something that would give me Incredible Hulk’s strength every time she made it. 

image

I want to share three things about her that especially stick out in my mind.

1) Pizza Hut Was Her Kingdom

My grandma always had a special place in her heart for Pizza Hut, and I never saw her getting excited about any other American food as much as the garlic bread from there.  We used to go to Pizza Hut every Tuesday, and I could’ve sworn the only reason she knew what day of the week it was was ‘cause she mentally kept a tab of “Pizza Hut Day” in her head, and thought “I was at Pizza Hut two days ago, so it must be Thursday today.” She LOVED Pizza Hut so much that even when I saw her in India in 2010 she had a special smile on her face after I brought up “Pizza Hut garlic bread.”  It had been years since she had been here, but she knows she found a jackpot when she found Pizza Hut.

image

2) She can imitate a WWE Wrestler perfectly

My family grew up watching WWE wrestling, and my grandma even went to a couple of wrestling events with my parents before I was born.  Have I been to a wrestling event?  NO!  How did she get to go to more than one event?!  She watched wrestling in the Hillbilly Jim and the ‘Hulk Hogan prayers, training, and vitamins’ era.  For those that are lost, I’m talking about the 1980’s.  One of her favorite wrestlers was this guy named Macho Man Randy Savage.  He used to always say “oooooh yeah,” and she got so good at imitating him that I thought Randy was in the room with us at times when she would say that.  When I saw her in 2010 she also had a special smile on her face when I would bring up wrestling.

image

3) What do you mean Superman can’t fly?!?!

Up until before the age of 12 I thought Christopher Reeve really could fly.  Just like I thought Sprite fell from the sky when it drizzled.  One day I was eating pizza with my grandma when Superman 2 was on, and she said 3 words that crushed my existence.

“It’s all fake.”

Me: What’s all fake?”  *a look of terror is coming over my face after I ask this*

My grandma:  Everything you see on TV right now.

Me:  WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?!  HE IS REALLY FLYING! *bursts into tears*

What had Pizza Hut done to my grandma’s mind?!  Stop eating it if it’s gonna make you say stuff like that, grandma!  

image

This was a scene that I always looked forward to in the movie.  How could he not really be outside of Earth’s orbit, grandma?  You don’t just smile like that for no reason!

NO KETCHUP?! *Mel faints*

If I ever go to your house there are two things I expect to be there: a ketchup bottle, and a backup ketchup bottle. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s not having a lake of ketchup to dunk my fries, chicken nuggets, grilled cheese sandwich, and tater tots in.

image

Look at how crispy and golden these tater tots turn out in the oven for us. Who wouldn’t want to give them enough ketchup in return?

I’ve seen people pump the ketchup dispensing machine like 2 or 3 times, but when it’s my turn I do it like 6 or 7 times. What happens if I accidentally put a lot of ketchup on one french fry, and there’s hardly any left for the other fries? I’m not happy unless my I have to throw in a life vest to my fries to save them from drowning in the ketchup.

image

The other day I realized I hadn’t pumped enough ketchup onto my plate, and I was too lazy to go back to the ketchup pumping machine in the cafeteria, so I wound up not finishing my fries. Here’s the kicker…I never even use up all the ketchup on my plate, but I just like seeing it there. It gives me a sense of comfort to know that some of the ketchup kingdom is still smiling at me on my plate.

Whenever I used to get fries at Mc Donald’s I used to almost cry when I saw them hand me the ketchup packets ‘cause there’s HARDLY any ketchup in them. I’ve always wanted to tell them “Can I come inside, and take what I need from your ketchup packet stash?”

image

Yeah, ‘cause apparently you think only 1/10th of my fries should be covered in ketchup!

I love ketchup so much that when I see there is only a little bit of ketchup left in the bottle I calculate in my mind if it’s enough for at least 4 chicken nuggets, and if its not I make sure to get a new ketchup bottle within the hour . There is even a special “even if I badly hurt my back and couldn’t move a muscle, I could still reach for you” spot on my shelf for my ketchup bottles.

I’ve seen people barely dip their fries in ketchup, and I just wanna shout “There is no need to be dainty with your fries!” at them.

image

Fries are not caviar…there is no need to be mature when you eat them. You should be dunking them in ketchup as if the ketchup is the elixir of life for them.

If you ever happen to be eating fries next to me, don’t be surprised if I take some off your plate and show you how to properly put ketchup on them.

Is there something you use a lot of on food?

I’m Not Diving If There Isn’t A Pool Full of Nutella Involved

I told you yesterday that I don’t even have any dance moves that would be cool past the year 1799, and today I have bad news to break about another “D” word — diving.  People have seen me on skis (never actually went down the hill on them), ice skates (never actually did anything more than standing with them on), and roller skates (skated 5 feet before I quit), but no one has ever seen me anywhere near a diving board. I never even bought anything that closely resembled a diving board for any of my Barbies!

Why?  Simply put,  I don’t want to do anything that could harm my beautiful brain.  As a matter of fact, I would gladly take having Einstein’s head of hair for the rest of my life over doing something where my head could potentially hit the bottom of the pool. 

image

In this picture Einstein is probably pointing to his head as if to say “You think I can afford to injure my grey matter?”  If I’m gonna be on the same page with someone, I’d be a fool to not choose Einstein to be that someone. 

Yesterday I got to see my fear of diving through the eyes of other people on TV.  Say hello to a brand new show called “Splash.”   I’m not sure what would make anyone go on a show that revolves around diving, but I guess as soon as you become a celebrity you automatically acquire superpowers that allow you to do ANYTHING.  

We have everyone from the girl who played Rudy Huxtable on the Cosby Show to a former Baywatch star to Louie Anderson on this show.  Not exactly A-list material, but chances are Brad Pitt was probably not available to do the show.  I’m guessing only 10 people on this planet have his number, and he probably makes those people sign a contract to promise they won’t let it out of their sight.

image

The “Did I actually see you flying through the air” award on the show would go to Louie Anderson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar last night.  I’m just gonna show you a pic of Louie, and you will know why I give him that award.

image

Would you believe he did a swan dive from 23 feet?  I could not believe it when I saw him fall into the pool from that height, and it’s actually inspiring to seeing him literally reaching new heights with this show. 

Then we have Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.  Not only is he a legend, but he’s also the all-time leading scorer in the NBA.  I can’t tell you how surprised I was when I saw him on a diving board last night.  We’re talking about someone who’s 65 years old and is 7’2”!

image

I’m not sure if seeing Louie or Kareem diving was more inspirational, but I’m rooting for both of them.  

Initially I was rooting for Rudy Huxtable from the Cosby Show, but she got eliminated yesterday because she apparently didn’t push herself hard enough. I think just being on the show shows you must have a small bit of DNA that comes from another part of the galaxy, but then again I think red M&M’s are the elixir of life, so what do I know?

image

I Would Easily Lose in a Dancing Contest Against a Spider

I’m just gonna jump right into some bad news. I believe I inherited my only dance move from one of my relatives that lived in the 1700’s. Whenever I’m in a situation where I have to dance I have less rhythm than a piece of paper with the word “dance” written on it. Sure, I look like someone that could bust a move or two when “Don’t You Worry Child” is playing on the radio, but in reality, everyone should be worrying if they see me attempt to get on the dance floor. If I was still in Girl Scouts I would definitely be the only one with this badge

image

Since I have zero rhythm, I love watching people who have some sort of rhythm on the dance floor.  Let’s give it up for “Dancing with the Stars.”  It has been one of my favorite shows right from season one, and what I love most about the show is I get to see some celebrities try and do something that is out of their comfort zone.  You may be on your A game in country music, for example, but now you have to show millions of viewers what you can do with the tango.

Last night was the premiere of Season 16.  There are always some celebrities I don’t really care for on each season, and this season is no exception.  Those are the ones who usually don’t make it to the end. For example, D.L. Hughley.  I’ve just never been a fan of his, and I can’t even tell you what shows he’s been on.  This season he’s paired with one of the professional dancers who’s been on the show a long time, Cheryl Burke.  She’s been with some pretty decent dancers during the time on the show, and I always wonder what goes through her head when she gets paired with someone who you know will get eliminated pretty quickly. ”Look at this body!  It’s the body of Cheryl Burke! How can you put me with someone who doesn’t have an ounce of dancing abilities on his/her body?”

image

I think if you’ve been on the show many years you deserve to have someone who can at least get you to week 2.  Everyone but Hughley got at least a 6 out of 10… he got 4’s from all the judges.  I looked like I could do a better job up there with my 1700’s dance move, and to be honest, I thought the judges were a little generous with their score. 

Of course, it’s the first week, and people have time to improve.  But you know what?  There’s something called “elimination,” and sometimes the voters don’t give you too much time to improve.  Compared to some of the other people on the show I don’t think Hughley has too much of a fighting chance to make it that far.  The only reason I think he might make it past week 2 or 3 is because of Cheryl Burke.  People seem to adore her, and they would probably want to see more of her.  I personally think she’s one of THE best professional dancers on the show. 

Let’s move all the way to the other side of the spectrum.  One person that blew me away yesterday was this 16 year old girl named Zendaya.  She even has a cool name!  It seems like her slogan on the show is gonna be “Don’t knock me out just because I’m 16.  I may be young but I came here to show what I can do.”  

image

This is her practicing with her partner.  Look at how perfect her body is positioned.  I‘ve always thought age is just a number, and I believe she’s gonna be the one to prove that on the show.  Her performance yesterday was breathtaking, and she even got the judge with the hardest shell to break, Len, to say “That was great!”

image

I believe she will definitely make it far in the competition based on what I saw yesterday.  

While I love the dancing aspect of the show, I also love the judging aspect of the show.  I watch the dancing just from the perspective of someone who’s watching it for fun, but they watch the dancers from the perspective of someone who actually knows when a dancer’s leg wasn’t straight when it should’ve been, etc..  

Here’s one thing I don’t understand about people.  Why do you feel the need to boo the judges?  I sometimes wonder if I’m listening to a group of monkeys when people start booing.  Sure, you may not agree with what they say, but there’s something called “respect.”  These people were picked to judge because they know a thing or two about what they are talking about.   They are looking at the dances differently than we are, and they should be allowed to say what they feel without hearing boos.  This guy gets booed a lot.

image

Remember when I made a reference to Len earlier?  This is the guy I was referring to.  It seems like he’s always irking the crowd with his comments.  While I may not agree with him half the time, I also know that there isn’t a “you must please the audience with whatever you say” clause in his contract.   Imagine how you would feel if people kept booing you every time you tried to do your job. 

I love that I get to live vicariously through the dancers on the show, and I’m excited to see who improves more and more each week. 

Don’t Make My Sweaters Angry…Don’t!

I was going through my closet yesterday, and a few of the the clothing items I found in there fall into both of these categories:

1) Did this get run over by the Batmobile 5 times?

2) Can you even find this on Earth?  

When I acquired these items I thought they were the coolest thing, and I proudly looked at them every time I saw them. I would like to blame Bill Cosby for two of the items I’m about to show you.  Yes, Mr. Jello Pudding Pop himself.

image

It was that smile that made me believe I could copy one of his classic fashion items like a champ.  

Exhibit 1:

image

I’m talking about sweaters, people!  Or as I now like to call them, “Deceiving balls of yarn.”   Look at how good he looks in this sweater!  He’s smiling, is engaging Olivia with his words, and on top of that, he even got her to rock a sweater. She has purple pants to match, and even the soles of her shoes match the diamonds on the sweater.

If Bill can wear a sweater and make lots of money doing it, I can also rock a sweater, right?  I hate yellow clothes, and up until before this episode I had promised myself I would never wear anything yellow.  But thanks to Bill, I acquired this in my wardrobe:

image

What were the makers of this sweater trying to say?  The colors are not even proportionate in size to each other, nor are they colors that should be together on one item of clothing.   But you know what?  I proudly wore this sweater day after day ‘cause if Cosby can sweater-fy the world, so can I.

image

 

I should’ve known right off the bat it was a mistake to wear this sweater.  Bill’s sweaters went up to his waist, and this sweater went down to my knees.  As if the person who made this sweater was so in love with it that he/she didn’t want to stop making it. For all we know, this sweater could’ve turned into a long flowing ballroom gown.  Another low point of my sweater was it had buttons, and Bill’s never had that.  Basically, I had no shot of looking as cool, calm, and collected as Bill did when he wore his sweaters, but at the time I wore this sweater I thought I was the greatest thing since 

image

I truly believe Cosby could rock any sweater and still look cool, and I now realize I was fighting a losing battle against his sweater collection  Let’s take a look at another sweater of his:

image

Yes, those are combs on his sweater!  And there’s even a yellow comb!  

image

Here’s my attempt at being adventurous! I’m not gonna even put any effort into making the sweater straight ’cause I think it screams “WHAT IS THIS?” no matter what angle you’re looking at it from! We have a garden of flowers, white dashes that you find on a highway, and hearts on this sweater! I probably looked like I couldn’t hurt a fly when I wore it ’cause of the hearts and flowers, but now when I look at it I just think “human ladybug.” The reason why I always thought I looked cool in this sweater was ’cause people used to tell me I look good in red! Every last one of you should be ashamed of yourselves for telling me that!

The fun didn’t stop with sweaters!  Oh yeah, I branched out into another area with fashion that I thought I rocked brilliantly at the time.  Remember when Star Wars Episode 1 came out?   Watching it on the big screen is one thing, but I loved the movie so much that I went a step further.

image

What we have here is a tie-dyed shirt that went down to my knees.  Star Wars is such a cool franchise that you automatically look cool when you wear it, right?   I wore this shirt one time, and then I decided that the world shouldn’t be lucky enough to see all of the greatness that this shirt encompassed, so I never wore it again!  For years, I would smile at the thought of this shirt in my possession, and it was only yesterday that I realized I should’ve walked right on by this shirt in the store.  Honestly speaking, I’m not a big fan of Star Wars.  I’ll hoot and holler when Yoda comes on screen, and I had a small crush on Luke Skywalker in the 80’s, BUT you won’t see me dressed in a Princess Leia costume every time a new Star Wars movie releases. 

It’s one thing if I had just bought one Star Wars shirt, but I also bought its brother ‘cause I didn’t want it to feel left out.  There’s nothing better than having the face with red and black paint staring at the world as you walk down the street, right?  I didn’t even wear this shirt once  out of the house ‘cause when I got home I realized his face would probably scare a lot of kids, and with my red sweater I had already told the world I couldn’t hurt a fly.  How could I tell the world they were being Punk’d when I wore that sweater, and in reality I had an inner bad a**?  I couldn’t!

image

When I have kids one day, will I try and make them wear them?  

image

Do you have anything in your closet that you thought was the coolest thing at one time?  Feel free to share.