Don’t MAKE Me Scare You With My Bunny Tail

It’s safe to say my mom didn’t really get the whole “dressing up in a cool costume for Halloween” thing. If she had her way, I would just have worn a pin on my shirt that said “Halloween” as my costume.  

Neighbor opening the door after I rung the bell:  And what are you supposed to be? 

Me: Can’t you read my pin?  I’m Halloween itself.  My mom thought I was so precious that I should just be the entire holiday.  People will worship the ground I walk on FROM THIS DAY FORWARD!!!  

 

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A Halloween pin would’ve filled my mom’s 3 criteria for a costume:

1) It’s cheap

2) There is no face paint

3) I still look exactly like I do the other 364 days of the year. 


When I was in Kindergarten I was a clown, but I didn’t have a wig, the nose, face paint, a honker, or big shoes.  I just had colorful dots all over me.  For all we know I could’ve been skittles or the result of cans of paint exploding everywhere.  My teacher asked me what I was and I burst into tears because I thought it was so obvious I resembled this:

 

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In second grade I wanted to be dracula…enough with being the sweet kid…this is the year will scare the living daylights out of my whole classroom!  I made it very clear to my mom that she needed to get red face paint for the blood, and I even told some of my friends to watch out for my costume!  She promised me she would, but when she showed up during lunch with my costume ALL SHE HAD WAS A CAPE!

And it wasn’t even a believable cape!  It was so cheap and plastic looking…it looked like I was wearing a garbage bag on my back!  Her excuse was they only had capes left in the store.  I’m not surprised!  It was the ugliest piece of garbage I had ever seen..who would wanna get their kid that?!

The dracula costume is one of the simplest costumes out there…how hard is it to make sure I look somewhat like this:

 

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I was a Native American for 3 years in a row…I had to make my own feather the first year, and the next two years I went feather-less.  No one knew what I was, and I have no idea where my mom even found the costume!  I’m thinking she probably had a dream about it one night, and someone in the dream told her she had to drive across deserts and mountains to find it.  There was no way that costume was found in New Jersey!

After that, I decided I was gonna be something that probably couldn’t be messed up…a witch!  I put together a costume that had a little something  ”extra.”

Here are the ingredients for my witch costume:

1) a long black skirt

2) a black shirt

3) a witch’s hat

4) the black cape from my “Dracula” costume

5) A BUNNY’S TAIL

Yeah, my mom had got me bunny ears and a bunny tail that year, but there was no way I was gonna be something sweet and cute like a bunny!  Who’s scared of a fluffy thing, mom?!  But I didn’t want the bunny tail to go to waste, so I incorporated it into my costume.  I told people I was the Bunny Witch. 

 

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I was a bunny witch for 3 years, and I would’ve been it a 4th year, but the tail got ruined, and I didn’t want to wear the costume without it!  And when people asked me what I was when I went trick-or-treating (do princesses wear a witch’s hat?  Get with the program, people!)  I would always turn around and shake my tail.  A regular witch couldn’t do that!

What is one of your favorite Halloween costumes or what do you wish you had been?

Where for art thou, Shampoo commercial hair?

Some people have a list of things they want to accomplish before they die.  You know the drill…travelling the world…saving a clan of beetles from extinction…helping their teddy bear from their childhood get into the Hall of Fame.  That’s all great and noble, but what I want to achieve sometime in my lifetime is HAVING SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL HAIR ON MY HEAD!  Is that too much to ask?

You see all these beautiful women in these commercials with hair that looks too good to be true, but you’re somehow convinced by the end of commercial that you too can have AAAH-MAZING hair that will make the paparazzi follow you just to take a pic of it.  They show hair that is so sleek, silky, shiny, and bouncy, and they make it seem like you would be a fool if you didn’t get off your chair at that very moment and run to the store to find it.  

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You know what, shampoo commercials?!  I HAVE run to the store to find the latest Pantene this and Herbal Essence that, and my hair doesn’t really look any different after I have used them.  I’d go as far to even say my hair looks a tad bit worse in some instances.  *GASP*

My hair is one thing people notice about me because it has a personality that can’t be contained. Like you would be able to recognize me from 50 feet away because you would see this ball of hair on my head flapping in all directions on a windy day, and would know right away that it must be me because no one else’s hair on this planet can flap around like that.

The last I checked my hair has the consistency of human hair, so why doesn’t it EVER look like the hair I see on commercials?  If I buy a shampoo that is supposed to make your hair be full of life and frizz-free, why does my hair look the opposite?  What’s the point of coming out with a new shampoo formula if my hair doesn’t look any different than if I had dunked my head in a bowl of lime jello?!

If anyone’s hair looks like the hair on shampoo commercials I will eat my shoes (well, I will eat them in my mind, but that still counts, right?

I Want To Send Your Cruise Ship Into Orbit

It’s very rare for me to win at anything in life.  Whether it be spelling bees…Monopoly….bowling…I have never come even CLOSE to winning in most cases.  You know how some people try and play down how good they are at something?  “I haven’t played in years, so I probably suck!”  What a big fat lie!  You know you’re still good enough to beat me even on my best day (which is not even at the level of everyone else’s worst day)!  It’s like riding a bike!  YOU NEVER FORGET HOW TO BEAT PEOPLE!

You can imagine my surprise when I got a call the other day from this person who told me I was in the running to win a car, but I had somehow won a cruise trip in the process.  Who? What? Where? When? Why? How did this happen????  I felt like telling him I have a losing reputation to uphold, but excitement overtook me and I screamed “ME?!” I WON????? WHAT?  NO WAY!” really loudly into the phone.  

It turns out I had filled out some card to win a car when I was at an amusement park in October, and they did a drawing with the cards people filled out for a cruise trip or something like that.  After he said “cruise” my mind blanked out, and I didn’t catch some of what he said. So back to our conversation…he says the cruise is free so I’m already thinking what I’m gonna wear and see, but then he quickly mentions “You just have to pay a small fee of a couple hundred dollars in taxes per person.”  WHAT?  You want me to pay for a free cruise?  No way, Jose!  You can’t tell me I won something, and make me pay!

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 So at this point I try and tell the guy I’m not interested in the cruise, but he won’t give up.  He says a line that he knows you can’t say no to.  “You do like saving money, right? Look at how much a cruise would cost otherwise.”  That’s true, but I also know a free cruise costs zero dollars, and you first told me it was free.  I’m losing money on this deal, buddy!  Get out of my face!  I then tell him I have to go somewhere, and the conversation comes to a close.

A few days go by, and he calls again!  He tries to act like he hadn’t called me the other day, and then he says the same line about how I like saving money, and this cruise is a great deal.  He’s some persistent college kid who probably has a phone attached to his hip, and nothing better to do with his time than to bug people about this so called glorious trip that I must attend.  So I somehow get off the phone, and I’m thinking he probably got the message that I’m not interested in floating on the ocean with two hundred less dollars in my pocket thanks to their stupid tax policy.

Guess who called a  third time a few days after that?  The same guy!  I didn’t even pick up this time, and I’m thinking if that’s not a sign that I want nothing to do with their three day cruise, I don’t know what is.  Yeah, three days!  Does the ship only travel 10 miles, and then head back to the dock?  

I thought the case was definitely closed at this point, but would you believe his manager left a message for me yesterday asking me if I liked to save money, and telling me that it’s a great deal?  Fight your own fight, college kid!  I don’t care if you got Godzilla’s great aunt to call.  I’m not budging!

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The moral of the story:  It’s not so bad to have a losing reputation after all!  At least people don’t bother you when you lose!

 

 

I’m On My Way To Becoming …Rich!

I was sitting at a baby shower brunch on Friday (as you can probably guess, I was more excited about the food than anything else…hellooooooo bagels…how YOU doin’?), and I had NO idea I was gonna have wonderful news fall into my lap 37 minutes into the shower.  Like if you had asked me what I thought was gonna happen 37 minutes into the shindig I would’ve been more likely to say a tornado was gonna sweep me into the Land of Oz than anything else.

So we’re getting through the “When are you due?  Ooohh…look at the gifts we got you” aspect of the shower, and I’m staring at the food.  No one had reached for the food yet, and I didn’t want to make it seem like I was always looking at the food out of the corner of my eye.

Rule Numero Uno: NEVER EVER EVER look like you are more excited about the food than anything else!!  You always gotta give off the cool, calm, and collected image at baby showers because it’s all about the mom-to-be, right?

Rule Number Two:  A decadent chocolate cake with a kitten’s face on it is the ONLY exception to the rule.  Feel free to get uber excited over it no matter WHAT the event is!

So a little while later we finally start eating, and I picked the WRONG bagel!  There were so many bagels to choose from, and I accidentally touched the one that was harder than a brick.  Once you pick up the wrong bagel you can’t  just throw it back into the pile..you have to pretty much suck it up, and have an intense crying session in the shower when you get home later in the day. 

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I was so consumed by trying not to look like a loser as I was chewing this rubbery piece of food that I had no idea what bit of good news was about to come my way 8 minutes later!  The lady was gonna have twins, so to add some fun to the atmosphere we took a quiz to see if we could match the sets of twins to the TV show they were in.

For example:  What TV show were Tia and Tamera in? 

If you don’t know the answer, the only thing I can tell you is:

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Some of the shows were pretty old, and out of 25 questions I guessed like 10 of them.  I’m thinking there is no way I’m gonna win this thing, but it turns out the other people who took the quiz knew even less than me!  *streamers thrown in the air*  I had a tie with this other lady, so we both had to answer this tiebreaker question. I was so on fire at this point that I even WON the tiebreaker question!

It turns out the prize was a lottery ticket, and even though I’ve never played the lottery I didn’t let that stop me from thinking I was gonna be so rich in a matter of minutes. Something came over me, and I scratched the ticket like a MAD SCIENTIST would!  Try and keep my millions from me, lottery ticket!

I first see a $2 amount after I start scratching…then ANOTHER $2 amount …[PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET THERE BE A MILLION DOLLARS SOMEWHERE ON THIS TICKET]...and finally, ANOTHER $2 amount!  Yes people, I’m now the proud recipient of an extra $2.  I’m planning on cashing half my winnings in one store, and half in another because that’s how I roll.

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Who’s winning now, Charlie Sheen?  WHO’S WINNING NOW?

Tis a Shame I Met Ya, Rosetta!

 As I was looking through my spam folder a couple of days ago I came across an email from Rosetta Stone.  If you don’t know Rosetta Stone, let me have it introduce itself to you.

Rosetta Stone: Great human entities of this planet…I want you to learn every language under the sun with my help. You will spend large sums of money in the process because nothing is more valuable than my great help.  Aren’t you feeling great after hearing that?

Me: [And the ‘this sounds worse than nails on chalkboard’ award goes to *GASP*  Rosetta Stone, ladies and gents!]

You know how the people look so happy on the Rosetta Stone commercials?  “My life has never been the same since I got Rosetta Stone. If I was stuck in a 100 foot well Rosetta Stone would jump in and save me.  It told me it would in my dream last night.”

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So a couple of years ago I bought into those happy faces hook, line, and sinker. If people are this happy, why don’t I get in on this Rosetta Stone thing?  I was so excited about finally learning another language fluently that I made a special trip to NYC to get it.  Rosetta Stone was no joke for me….for realz!

So I get to the city, and make my way to Grand Central Station (the place where Rosetta Stone was sold).  My smile looks really creepy by the time I get into the station, ( I can feel the creepiness radiating from my face) but I know that once I have Rosetta Stone it will magically look normal again.  That’s the power Rosetta Stone has over people!

The girl at the Rosetta Stone stall had this expression on her face that made me think I was the first bit of life she had seen in weeks.  Hold on!  People were raving about Rosetta Stone on my TV screen!  Why does your face look like it smelled like a dead rat where you were sitting for days, and it took me to come there to make the smell go away?

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So I tell her I want to learn fluent Hindi.  If you know me, you know I’m half Indian, but you also know my dad probably said this when I was born:

Dad:  One of the greatest things I’ve laid eyes on has entered the world!  I will make sure she doesn’t know my language fluently so that she can’t understand stuff when I talk to my friends!

She tells me that she learned Spanish through Rosetta Stone, and I told her I took Spanish in school. *ENOUGH WITH THE SMALL TALK!  I WANT TO GET ON THE TRAIN QUICKLY SO I COULD GET HOME AND ENTER THE MAGICAL WORLD OF ROSETTA STONE!*

Long story short…she somehow convinces me to get all three Hindi modules!  Beginner, intermediate, and advanced!  Each module is sold separately, and I bought all three without seeing if I liked the program to begin with!

My smile looked normal again after I left the station, and for some reason it didn’t really bother me how much money I had spent.  After all,  I had the elixir of life…the golden ticket…A POT OF GOLD IN MY HANDS!

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I get home, and I’m staring at all these pictures on the screen after I load the program.  The words I already knew I still know, and the new words I see on the screen are probably words I will never use in my lifetime.  I then turn off the program ‘cause the person’s voice annoys me. 

I can count on one hand the number of times I have looked at Rosetta Stone since ‘cause I believe I would have better luck seeing the ghost of George Washington than learning a language with that program.

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Lesson learned: Return policies are no joke…always make sure there is one!

Even if Aliens Abducted Me I Wouldn’t Eat You When I Came Back to Earth

So I was at this event a couple of days ago, and one of the only reasons I was excited about going was ‘cause it said free food.  I didn’t eat for hours ‘cause I thought I was gonna eat so much at this event that I would need to be airlifted to a mountain top.

When I get to the event I immediately lay my eyes on the table where the food was gonna be. OH MY GOD!   I hope there is so much food that I’m swimming in it by the time the night is over!

People start coming in after me, and I can’t see the table too well a few minutes later.  I’m trying to look over their heads, and even though I can’t get a good view of it at this point, I can still sense it in the back of my mind. I have that kind of connection with furniture!

It turns out I don’t have to wait too long for the food to come ‘cause I start seeing people walking with trays to the table.   All of the times I practiced how to not eat like a savage in public as a kid have culminated in THIS moment!

I make my way to the table (it was a casual event, so if you wanted to spend the whole night eating you could), and get a plate.  I lift open the foil, and WHAT DO I SEE?  It’s my number one enemy, SUSHI! 

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I had a couple of enemies in elementary school but I never got into a fight ‘cause:

1) a wet noodle would put more effort into fighting back than I would

2) I never had anything in my wardrobe that I could wear to a fight.  The closest thing I had to a fighting wardrobe was a blue t-shirt that I felt screamed “Don’t make me break your manicured nail into 2 pieces.”

The one enemy I had always wanted to fight was sushi.  Like I just wanted to get it in a room, and body slam it to pieces.  And then when I was done I wanted to scream “I HOPE YOU GET SHIPPED TO AN ABANDONED HOUSE SO YOU CAN LIVE A LONELY LIFE!”

Once I saw the sushi I wanted to run, but MORE people kept coming in, and I was being pushed very close to the sushi trays. I COULD NOT ONLY BARELY MOVE BUT I WAS ALSO BEING PUSHED TOWARDS MY ENEMY!

I somehow make my way out of the path of the sushi, and my face looks like my winning lottery ticket got swept in the wind, and I couldn’t chase after it fast enough.

I talked to some people throughout the night, and every time they brought up food I gave them the “I hope you get swallowed up by the ground, and are never able to say ‘sushi’ ever again once the ground spits you back out” look.

What’s so special about sushi that it would be the main course at an event?!

To Starbucks or not to Starbucks

I rarely go to Starbucks so I’m not sure if this is how stuff goes down there.

I ordered a caramel maackiaatoe (Oh yeah! I just went there with the spelling of one of their top drinks.) …

… for the first time, and the guy tells me he didn’t put some ingredient or foam in it or the ingredient or foam swallowed his co-workers…

… and then some lady next to him who felt the urge to loudly burp but instead it sounded like words when she opened her mouth said…

“It will still taste the same, though.”

WILL M&M’S TASTE THE SAME IF THERE IS ONLY ONE M?

IS A KIT KAT THE SAME IF THERE IS NO KAT?

And then he hands the pathetic, foamless maaaaaaackiaaatoe to me, as if it’s a golden egg that I’m supposed to ooh and aah over.

IT TASTED LIKE A SKUNK’S TOE, LAY-DEE! If all your drinks are supposed to taste like that, then yes, it tasted da same!

Rating for the maackiatoeeeeeeeee: Two upside down coffee cups, one broken spoon, and three empty sugar bags.

I Want to Stop, Drop, and Roll Outta Here

I attended this job fair yesterday that claimed it was “different” from all the other job fairs I had been to.  The email said there would be a lot of companies there, and I like the words “a lot” and “companies,” so there was noooo way I was gonna miss it.

So I get there early, and it turns out we have to sit through a presentation where the companies get to speak before we get to the actual “job fair.”  I make sure I get a seat where I have a clear view of the speakers.  When they look around the room I want them to clearly see how intently I’m focusing on every word they’re saying.  That plan was all fine and dandy until this TALL lady sat right in front of me, and by the time she sat down almost all of the other seats were taken.  Now no one will see how much effort I’m putting into focusing on every last word that is being said! 

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So the ring leader of the event speaks a few minutes later, and he says we will get a lot out of this event.  Not only will we meet companies that are hiring (I thought the companies at the job fair just came there to hear themselves talk, and then once they were done they would quickly leave the building), but we will also get to network with people! 

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Before the companies had a chance to speak we had a chance to network with each other.  The guy said to talk with someone on your left or right, and magical dust was supposed to fall from the ceiling as that was happening.  The lady to the right of me was talking to the people to the right of her, and she was wearing such a STRONG perfume that I didn’t feel like getting closer to her.  I had no choice but to talk to the girl to the left of me.  It turns out she just got out of college, and didn’t have a job yet.  After 5 minutes the guy says “times up.”  Take back what you just said, ring leader! I got stuck sitting next to someone who doesn’t have a job!

People from the companies start coming up to speak soon after that, and I realize very quickly that I’m in for a long night of Sales positions. Some positions require Sales experience, and some jobs just require your awesomeeeee personality. 

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One guy who looked like he worked out every single minute of the day got up to the podium a little while later, and it turns out he was there from some fitness company.  He was so awesome he didn’t even need to use the mike!

Guy shouting: Who’s got personality?  We want personality at our place!  And passion!  Who’s got passion? You also gotta have a loud voice!  And sometimes a soft voice!  Who’s got a loud AND soft voice?

Me: Thinking: I do!  I have all of that!

Guy: Who likes working out?

Me: Thinking: Sit back down!  There will be no talk of exercising during this awesome night!

More people come up after him, and I can’t tell one person from the next ‘cause they’re all talking about the wonderful world of sales.  This one lady who looks like she could be on the cover of Vogue gets up near the end, and I’m thinking “The awesomeness is here!  I finally know what the ring leader was talking about when he said we were gonna get a lot out of this event!”

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She starts talking about how she didn’t become awesome over night, and if we have the ability to exude awesomeness we should talk with her during the job fair!  She didn’t want anyone with no personality (THERE’S THAT WORD AGAIN!)…don’t even show your face if you’re not sure of your awesomeness!  You think Tony the Tiger doubts his cool factor?!?!?!?!? 

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By this point someone behind me leaps up out of her seat, and bolts out the door!  The awesome level in the room was too much for her to handle, I guess!!  Run…awesome girl…run!  Don’t let anyone question your awesomeness!  Personality…shmersonality…no one can stop you from shining bright like a diamond.

Once the speaking part of the job fair is done, they usher us into another room.  I knew that I wanted to bolt out the door to my car at this point ‘cause my head was about to explode from hearing the word “sales” too many times in the span of an hour!  I enter the job fair room for a couple of seconds, and then quickly leave! 

They tried to make me give my resume to the sales people, and I said no no no!

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Let Them Eat…Cake? Gelato? Cheesecake? ALL OF THE ABOVE?

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to order dessert when I go out to eat.  Like I literally think the main course is an appetizer, and the dessert is the main course.  You have to understand that some of my pics during my childhood were taken with me either in the vicinity of a birthday cake or after I had just eaten the biggest slice of ice cream cake this side of the Atlantic.  I’m talking about the SAME EXACT ice cream cake year after year. Some kids ooh and aah over the pretty princess or dinosaur (dinosaurs can be pretty, too.  Try telling a T-Rex to his face that’s he ugly) on their cake, whereas this is how the birthday cake shindig went down in my house

Mom: What cake do you want this year?

Me:  Chocolate with fudge on top and my name written in pink! *smile so big it hurts*

Mom: *ponders for a couple of seconds to make it seem like she was down with my choice*  Would ice cream cake be ok?

Me:  *smile deflating rapidly.  Houston we have a problem*  WE GET IT EVERY SINGLE YEAR!  

Mom: *smiles as if she just won the lottery*  

It’s no wonder I would develop such a huge sweet tooth after the gargantuan sized pieces of birthday cake I ate during my youth.  This is what’s going through my head when I go out to eat at times — Chicken..uhhh…soup..ahhh..salad..no no…dessert…bingo!!! we have a winner!  I literally can’t wait till the waiter asks “How about dessert?” WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED TO ASK?  Did you see how I didn’t finish your infamous chicken with linguini dish?  What do you think I was saving room for?!

Now that I stated how much I love dessert…let me explain what my dilemma is.  THERE ARE TOO MANY TEMPTING CHOICES ON THE MENU.  It’s like having me choose between My Little Pony and Care Bears.  YOU CAN’T!

Here’s what I was faced with a couple of days ago (in no order of importance):

Cheesecake, Tiramisu, some chocolate cake with nuts, Gelato, and I think just CUBES OF SUGAR for those who had a major sugar craving and didn’t care to be bothered with all of the frosting, cake, and sweet goodness (everything else you can think of when you think of a dessert) that comes with a dessert.  At the end of the day every dessert is just cubes of sugar, right?  What’s wrong with just eating sugar in its purest form? 

I went with the tiramusu because everyone else at the table who got dessert went for the other dessert choices, and I didn’t want the waitress to think we had something against one of her beloved desserts.

How do you choose a dessert when every choice on the menu looks award worthy

My Two Lava Lamp Cents about the 1960’s

This question has been on my mind for some time, and I finally have the courage to ask it *I hope you’re sitting down as you’re reading this blog…if not, I’ll wait*.  

As I think back to my childhood (which happened way after the 1960’s…WAY AFTER), I think about how I didn’t really have 80’s hair.  As a matter of fact, I think my hairstyle looked pretty standard, and I’d even go as far as to say a kid from any decade could probably rock it.  Well, maybe not the 1920’s ‘cause I like to think they had a style that probably started January 1, 1920 and didn’t go past December 31, 1929.  Like once the 1930’s hit there was probably a huge rainbow in the sky in Los Angeles that screamed “start new trends…new hairstyles…new everything…NOW!”  Who’s gonna disobey a rainbow, right?

So here’s my question:  What happens if a girl from the 1960’s didn’t have 1960’s hair?  You know what I’m talking about…it was puffy…the bottom flipped up…the whole shebang.  Was she made fun of?  It seems like all the girls had 1960’s hair in the pics I’ve seen, but WHAT IF THERE WAS THAT ONE GIRL WHO NEVER HAD ANY PICTURES TAKEN OF HER?  Did she think it was ok to not always rock the 1960’s hairstyle?  Or was she not in any pictures because she went against the grain, and had a hairstyle from another decade? *GULP*

We currently live in a time where styles are constantly changing, and people aren’t afraid to rock something that might go against the grain.  But back in the 1960’s it seems like almost everyone had a similar style, both hair and clothes.  Was there that one girl who was like “I’m done with the 1960’s, mom!  My hair angers me like nothing else on this planet!  Let me dramatically fall onto the bed with my hand on my forehead at this very moment to show you how much I can’t stand it!”  Where are you, 1960’s girl, who had a problem with your hair?  I promise your secret is safe with me if you want to talk about how frustrated you were with your 1960’s-ish look!